Wedding Crashers
by Angel-eyes56
Summary: AU: Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches? Janto and John/Tosh
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Wedding Crashers

**Pairings/Characters: **Jack/Ianto, John/Tosh, Harold Saxon/Gwen, Jake/Ace, some Grey/Ianto, Owen/Andy, Doctor/Martha and others

**Rating: **R

**Beta: **royalladyemma

**Summary: **Jack and John made a career out of crashing weddings looking for quick hook-ups, but one wedding changes everything when they meet Ianto and Tosh. Everything they know changes; have they finally found their perfect matches?

**Warnings: **Language and sexual scenes

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Author Note: **This was written for Reel Torchwood Round Four

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

_Cardiff, Wales, at the firm of Harkness and Hart, Attorneys at Law_

As Jack Harkness continued to pace in his office, it became obvious to anyone who passed by that he was not in a good mood and it continued to grow worse the longer he talked on the phone. "Oh, bullshit! You saw the surveillance videotape. Your client's slip and fall was the biggest acting job since I took the stage in eighth grade as Othello. And I blew!" Jack paused as he waited for the other party to speak. "Never going to happen. Maybe a quarter of that. _Maybe._ I'll talk to the insurer."

Jack paused in speaking as the firm's secretary, Martha Jones, passed by, and he leaned back to watch her walk away. She was off limits; she was after all, the fiancée of one of his best friend John Smith, and that put her in the look-but-do-not-touch category.

A disembodied voice calling his name drew Jack's attention back to the phone against his ear. "Great. Talk to your client." Jack beamed as he sat down, pleased that this was going to be a win for him. "Yeah, next Friday. I got good seats. Bring that girl, your friend… with the hair? Yeah, her. Okay." Hanging up the phone, Jack kicked back and placed his feet on his desk; he earned a little break.

John Hart, Jack's partner, and one of the divorce lawyers for the firm, stared at the woman sitting across from him at his desk. He tried to keep his attention on what Donna, his client, was saying when his eyes caught sight of Martha walking by his office.

"Eight years of marriage all shot to hell." Donna snarled; she was saddened by the unexpected end of her marriage, but she was angrier at her idiot of a soon-to-be-ex-husband, Adam, and his slut of a girlfriend, Mary.

Eyes locked on Martha's ass, John still managed to inform Donna, "Had I known you eight years ago, I would have advised you to _avoid _the wedding."

"But I do believe in the _institution _of marriage." Donna spoke with firm conviction, and that one sentence was enough to jolt John out of his admiration of Martha.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just say 'institution'? No, no, the Wales Rugby team are an institution. Pastrami-on-rye is an institution. Mr Rogers is an institution. Marriage is a curse. It's our punishment for the original sin. Do you understand the ugliness I see here every day? The sheer torment? The absolute hell? All because of people like you…" At Donna's glare John quickly added, "And God bless your innocent heart, really, for believing in the 'institution' of marriage!"

"My parents were happily married." Donna protested.

"No. They weren't. You _think_ they were. But they really weren't." John spoke passionately.

"They weren't?" At John's head shaken Donna bit her lower lip; she hated to admit it, but he might have a point. "Mom did drink… quite a lot," she admitted.

"Of course she did. They all do." He helped Donna to her feet and ushered her to the door with the promise of, "Don't worry, we'll go for the jugular." They shook hands and John told her to make another appointment with Martha.

John caught sight of Jack and motioned for the man to come join him. Jack shrugged; with nothing better to do, he decide to join his friend. Entering John's office Jack made himself comfortable on John's couch.

"So what's up?" Jack asked once he was settled.

Walking around to his desk, John opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a bottle of single malt scotch with a ribbon tied around it. "Happy anniversary!" John exclaimed as he handed it to Jack.

"Huh?" Jack asked even as he reached for the bottle.

"Fifteen years, my friend!" John continued on as Jack just blinked in confusion. "June 11, 1988? TARDIS high? Junior Prom night?" John was wondering if any of this was ringing a bell with his friend.

"Ohhh. Right. Yeah. The night we met." Jack tried to sound thrilled but it came out weak.

John glared at his friend. "Could you any sound more underwhelmed?" he asked sarcastically.

"I am not underwhelmed," Jack muttered back.

"You took Rose Tyler to the prom and wound up in the men's room making out with a guy." John felt compelled to remind his friend of the details.

Jack chuckled. "And you were in the next stall next to me making out with some guy who was not _your_ date." Jack frowned; "Who _was _your date, anyway?" he asked confusion entering his voice as he tried to remember who John had gone with.

John snorted as he remembered. "Lucia Moretti. Don't you remember? Turns out she was cheating on me!" he reminded his friend. "That's why I was in the next-door stall."

"Ohhh. That's right." Jack finally remembered.

"I knew that night that you and I were cut from the same cloth. Best friends forever. I can't believe you forgot." John growled as he sat down in his chair, a sulk marring his good looks.

Now Jack felt bad; he hadn't meant to forget. "A lot on my mind," was the best lame excuse he could come up with.

"You think it's sappy, don't you? The anniversary thing." John was beginning to think so, too.

"I don't think it's sappy." Jack denied. "I just…"

John crossed his arms and glared at his friend. "Because you forgot on our tenth, too. Remember? I got you that coffee-of-the-month club thing, remember that?" He reminded his friend, he was doing that a lot today.

"The coffee," Jack nodded absently. "Yeah that was great."

"You thought it was sappy." John snarled.

Jack threw his hands up in the air. "I didn't think it was sappy, for Christ's sake! It was coffee!"

"Then how come you never get _me _anything for our anniversary?" John was close to whining and he stuck out his lower lip.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him and pointed out, "Okay… what you said right there? Now that was sappy." He grinned at John, daring him to disagree.

John growled low in his throat. "Oh, fuck you!" he snarled at Jack before changing the subject. "Anyway, we've got a big three weeks ahead of us."

A sad little sigh escaped Jack's lips, "Yeah. End of wedding season. How many weddings are we going to crash?" he asked his friend and crash partner.

John took out his day planner and studied it for a moment. "I've got us down for eight." He informed his friend.

Jack nodded approvingly. "Great!" He had one very important question to ask. "Any of them cash bars?"

"Two. But I got them covered," John opened a desk drawer and pulled out two medals. "Purple hearts. We won't have to buy a drink all night."

A purely shark grin spread across Jack's face as he purred, "Perfect."

"Eight opportunities to get laid, my friend. Eight opportunities to score with women and men so aroused by the thought of marriage they mistakenly hook on to us as the men of their dreams." A giant predatory grin spread across John's face as he relaxed into his chair.

"Bingo. I'll get my tux." They both climbed to his feet and moved as one to the door, where John paused just long enough to grab the clothing bag hanging there before following Jack out of his office.

_**Temple Beth Shalom, Vestibule**_

Dressed in well-tailored tuxedos and knowing they look damn fine, Jack and John entered the Synagogue and introduced themselves to the ushers.

"Hi, Lou Epstein." Jack lied with a smile on his face.

"Chuck Schwartz." John followed Jack's lead.

They put on their yarmulkes as they are shown to their seats.

Once the wedding was in full swing and the Rabbi was chanting, Jack glanced up at a pretty young woman sitting down the aisle from him. She choked up when she realised that Jack was staring at her and she smiled nervously. Taking that as his cue, Jack pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed a fake tear from his eye. The deep inhale of breath from the woman let Jack know that she was smitten; after all, only a real man cried at weddings. _'Thank you, Mickey Smith.' _He thought fondly of the friend who had given him the small tube of hypo tears.

Like Jack, John was also checking out a possible conquest. He made eye contact with one woman, but when she returned the look, John just smiled and then turned away; she wasn't the one. He looked to his left and caught the gaze of a handsome young man who briefly returned John's frank look before giving him a half-smile and turning away. _'He's the one!' _John thought happily.

By the time the Rabbi had concluded the ceremony and the Groom had stepped on the glass, Jack and John had finalized their plans they joined with the rest of the crowd's shout, "Mazel Tov!"

Soon the wedding party was in full swing and Jack and John were putting their plans of seduction into action.

Jack did a magic trick for the kids, while John danced with the bride's mother; whatever he said to her made her blush like a schoolgirl.

Jack slapped some old guy on the back as Jack shared with him a disingenuous laugh.

John raises his glass to toast the happy couple; a few minutes later, Jack made his own toast to the happy couple.

John does a magic trick of the kids, while Jack danced with the bride's mother.

Soon, John found himself dancing with the young man he'd made eye contact with earlier, and Jack danced with the woman who saw him cry.

John, in a secluded alcove, leans in to kiss the man he was dancing with, while in a secluded alcove of his own, Jack, leaned in to kiss his dance partner.

* * *

><p><em><strong>St. Mary's Church and another wedding<strong>_

John and Jack walked up the steps of the Catholic Church where once again introduce themselves to the ushers.

"Jimmy O'Shea." Jack said with a grin.

"Tommy Fitzpatrick." John introduced himself with same type of grin.

_**Vendata Narayan Hindu Temple**_

Once again Jack and John arrive and introduced themselves to the ushers.

"Henry Prajshnap." That was Jack.

"Chuck Vindaloo." Came John's lie.

_**In one of the various receptions**_

John was dancing with a redhead named Amy Pond.

"Wow. Operation Desert Storm." Amy breathed out, clearly impressed with him.

"Don't really like to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men out there." John laced his voice with sadness, and Amy let out a soothing sound as she melted into John's chest.

Jack found himself dancing with young man named Ross Jenkins.

"Wow. Mt. Everest." Ross was clearly impressed.

"Don't really like to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men up there." Jack let just the right amount of emotion choke his voice, and his effort was were rewarded when Ross melted silently into Jack's chest.

_**In another receptions**_

With the traditional bindi on his forehead, John danced with Suzie, one of the bride's friends; she had a bit harder shell to crack but John knew he would.

"Wow. The Peace Corps." Suzie did sound very impressed by that.

John made sure he had the aura of a man who was hurting, a man who had lost much as he whispered in a choked-up breath, "Don't really like to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men out there."

Suzie said nothing as she melted into his chest, trying to offer him what little comfort she could.

_**In yet another reception**_

"Wow. The New York Yankees." The brunette woman with an American accent breathed out as she danced with Jack.

For some reason which Jack couldn't explain, his head wasn't in the con and he spoke without thinking. "Don't really like to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men out there."

The brunette tilted her head as she asked, "Huh?"

Jack quickly recovered. "What? Oh! The fans could get unruly … and there were trades … it was ugly."

_**Jewish Wedding Reception**_

An elderly couple sat quietly on the side-lines, watching Jack, who was dancing up a storm and having an all-around good time.

"Who is that?" The woman asked her husband motioning towards Jack.

A thoughtful look crossed her husband's face. "Uh … him? I think that's Ed's kid. Tommy, the diabetic." He nodded his head, sure he was right.

"Ohhh…" She figured her husband was probably right.

_**Italian Reception**_

A similar scene as before was once again happening as another elderly couple watched John dance and party it up.

The husband turned to his wife. "Who is that?" he asked, pointing to John.

"Uh… him? That's Wilf and Estelle's kid, Tom, the doctor." His wife informed him.

_**Portuguese Reception**_

"That's Johnny's nephew, Banana, the veterinarian." An elderly man stated in regards to Jack.

_**Irish Reception**_

"That's the O'Shaughnessy kid, John, the astronaut." An elderly woman declared after taking a look at John.

_**The Wedding Receptions **_

The wedding reception was beginning to die down as everyone began dancing and singing the perennial wedding song, 'Shout'; Jack and John were singing along with the rest, having learned the song in every possible language.

John and Suzie were firmly attached to one another at the lips as they struggled to remove their clothing and make their way to Suzie's bedroom.

* * *

><p>Jack was thoroughly enjoying seducing Ross as the willing wedding guest led Jack back to his hotel room.<p>

* * *

><p>Sated and spent, John rolled off Suzie; she had turned out to be quite the wild cat once they'd fallen into her bed. <em>'If I ever did a repeat, I would definitely look you up again, Suzie,' <em>John thought with a smile. _'You're one hell of a good ride!'_

* * *

><p>Jack watched Ross sleep, and despite the good time he had with the younger man, he can't help but feel like something was missing.<p>

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

Jack was hard at work in his office, going over some important paperwork when John came sauntering in and made himself comfortable in the other chair; in his hands is a newspaper.

"Jack, I am holding the Kentucky Derby of wedding announcements!" John exclaimed, waving the paper in the air.

Not looking up from his work, Jack asked, "I thought we were done for a while?"

"This is different. This is the Minster of the fucking Defence!" John was practically vibrating with infectious excitement.

This gained Jack's attention. "Saxon?" He didn't sound very happy.

"Yes, Saxon's daughter, Ace! London!" John couldn't understand why his friend wasn't happier about the news.

An unenthusiastic sound escaped Jack's lips as he refocused on his work, and that was the last straw for John. "What's wrong with you?" he leapt to his feet and demanded loudly. "This is the Saxon's! They're an institution! We've never crashed anything like this! Five hundred single men and women. Three live bands! Oysters, for god sake!" John slapped his hand down on the desk, trying to get his point across.

Jack sighed before mumbling out, "Okay."

John just stared down at his friend. "Okay? Okay! See? This is what I'm talking about!" He really didn't understand what was going on with his friend.

"I'm tired, all right? My feet hurt. My voice is horse. I'm tired of eating the same food and dancing to the same songs every weekend." Jack complained.

"You don't care about this anymore!" John cried, very overdramatically.

Jack stared at his friend like he was crazy. "What are you talking about? Of course I care!" Jack cried back.

John had a disbelieving look on his face as he shook his head. "At the Swanson nuptials, you were in the corner, sulking!" He recalled the wedding perfectly.

"I wasn't sulking! I twisted my ankle." If there was one thing Jack Harkness _didn't _do it was sulk.

John leaned forward and reminded his friend of the basics. "Rule six: Don't sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Drawattention to yourself on your _own_ terms!"

"I know the _rules, _John!" Jack didn't understand why his colleague felt the need to remind him of the rules that he knew by heart.

"When Archie gave us his sacred rules of wedding crashing twelve years ago, he passed on a legacy; he trusted us to carry on the tradition." John spoke passionately. "We have a responsibility here, not to just Archie's memory, but to future generations of crashers to come."

Jack gave his friend a look that spoke volumes, and not all of them were good. "You know, you make it sound like a cult. Archie was a kook!" He spoke his opinion.

"Bite your tongue! He was not a kook! He was a brave and decent man!" John snarled angrily; he would not allow Jack to insult such a brilliant man.

Jack shook his head as he began to point out, "He lived with his mother until he was forty! Even she couldn't take it! She tried to poison his oatmeal! "

"That was never proven!" John protested. "And anyway, what about rule three? Rule three, Jack!"

Jack immediately knew where the conversation was going. "Oh, come on, John, not that again!" Seriously, he had made one little mistake and John wouldn't let it go.

John continued on like Jack hadn't even spoken, "Rule three: Toast in the native language _if_ you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do _not_wing it! Never wing it! Last week when you toasted the groom in Hindi…"

It was John's turn to be cut off. "Okay! So I got a couple of words mixed up. Big deal!" Jack was quick to point out.

"A couple of the words mixed up? You told the entire wedding party that the bride was very lucky because her new husband smelled like the anus of the cobra!" John raised an eyebrow to unbelievable heights as he reminded Jack of his big mistake.

Jack admitted that he had made a rather substantial mistake at that wedding. "I meant he had the _power… _of the… cobra! Okay? … anyway I managed to turn that into a compliment, did I not?" Jack demanded his voice rising to match John's.

John rolled his eyes. "Oh please…! So, do you want to do this or not?" He crossed his arms and waited; despite the changes in Jack's attitude lately, John was sure his friend couldn't turn down a challenge like the Saxon Wedding.

Jack held out his hand. "Fine. Give me the paper." Jack took the offered newspaper and began reading the announcement that had gotten John so worked up. "All right, well, first of all, I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is going to require some planning." Even as he finished speaking, Jack's mind was already forming a plan.

"There's my man! He's back. My man is back!" John cheered.

_**One week later**_

Making sure they were out of sight of the wedding guests who were mingling outside of the church, Jack and John were finalising their appearance. They stood side-by-side next to Jack's car, which was parked just down the street from a very nice old Catholic Church. They checked each other over carefully; they were wearing their tuxes, adjusting their cufflinks, combing their hair, and so on.

"Okay, let's do our pre-game." Jack finished his hair before turning to John.

"What's to know? Big Catholic wedding. Lots of rich fuckers. Hot men and lonely women. We can do this in our sleep." John ticked off all the points. His eyes gleamed with the excitement of the case.

Jack rolled his eyes and decided to play John's own game. "Rule one: Always prepare."

"Fine. What do you have?" John crossed his arms impatiently.

Jack reached into his car and pulled out a slim folder which he handed to John. "A few articles on Saxon's defence programs; skim them quickly. Also a roster of the key family members. A glossary of sailing terms. Sailing's like sex to these people." Jack informed him.

John looked through the papers. "Okay … Harvard … Oxford … Mom's big with the charities, blah blah blah. Two sons and two daughters, a million foundations. Barf. Puke. Gag. Okay. Got it. What's our back story?" John asked once he was sure he had the important details down.

"We're brothers from Cardiff, Wales. We're venture capitalists." Jack reached out and tweaked John's tie.

"Thanks. I'm sick of that one. Why don't we be from Vermont and … and have, say, an emerging maple syrup conglomerate," John suggested.

Barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes, Jack just gave John a look that clearly said, _'that is the stupidest idea ever.' _"Because we don't _know_ anything about maple syrup," Jack pointed out.

"I know everything about maple syrup. I love maple syrup." John couldn't see why they couldn't go with his idea for once.

"I love red vines. Does mean we should be the red vine barons?" Jack was struggling to remain patient; sometimes John could be trying.

"Good point." John had to admit that as usual, Jack was right.

A minute or so later, Jack and John were walking towards the church with confidence. They had their game faces on, and there was a spring in their step; they were more than ready. However, when they caught sight of the two men at the door checking invitations against a list of names as the guests entered the church, the slowed down, and when they saw the other four men in suits and earpieces, they came to an abrupt halt.

"I knew it! UNIT." Jack had been pretty sure that Harold Saxon would have members of UNIT guarding his daughter's wedding.

John shrugged, not seeing the big deal. "Yeah. So?"

For a moment Jack could only stare slack-jawed at his best friend, not believing he just said that. "So they don't tend to mess around, John. They're trained to use big guns with bullets." Jack reminded John.

Once again John shrugged and lied through his teeth. "Big deal. I can take bullets."

Jack held back a laugh at those words. "Oh, please! You won't even get a flu shot. Maybe we should catch that Portuguese wedding back in Cardiff. They'll have those sausages you like." Jack had a feeling that nothing would ever be the same if they went through with this plan.

"Fuck the sausages. We're hitting this one." John was being more than a little stubborn. "Everything we've done for the last twelve years, all that hard work, has led to this moment." John was not to be denied crashing this wedding.

"Fine." Jack gave in; he knew that tone of voice and he knew that John was prepared to crash the ceremony and reception whether Jack was with him or not. "How do you want to get in?"

"Okay. Let me think." John crossed his arms as he frown, deep in thought, and then he snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "We'll do an end run!"

Jack shot that idea down immediately. "Guarded."

"Shit!" John swore and then came up with his next day. "Hey! We'll create a disturbance!"

Once again Jack pointed out the holes in John's idea. "Not with these guys. Disturbances just hype their radar and sharpen their aim."

"Okay, then, Mr Helpful, whadda you got?" John asked, wondering what Jack could come up with.

Hoping to be hit out of the blue with an idea, Jack scanned the parking lot behind John and watches as a large mini-bus pulled up. A big group of people got out, most likely an extended family and Jack was hit with an idea. "Let's just rush in with that big group over there." He nodded his head towards the people milling around; he quickly counted seventeen guests. Two more wouldn't be noticed.

"A rush? You want to do a rush?" It was clear that John was less than pleased with this plan.

Jack crossed his arms and glared at his friend. "Yeah, what's wrong with a rush?" He didn't see any flaws in his plan nor did he see John coming up with any better ideas.

"It's amateur hour, buddy. It's bush league. We're better than a rush." John didn't want to do such an amateur move. Just because he spent his weekends crashing stranger's weddings and enjoying free food and drink at their receptions didn't mean he had no sense of pride.

Jack watched as the group starting moving slowly towards the church. "It'll work." He was sure of it.

"No!" John was close to stamping his foot like a child. "A rush is how you crash the Journey concert when you're thirteen. We're not _gonna _do a rush. It's beneath us. We're craftsmen." John whined petulantly.

A member of the group pointed to a name on the list and they started to file into the church. Jack was determined that they were not going to lose this chance. "Go!" he ordered, pushing John into the big group and within seconds they successfully entered the church. Jack sent John a smug grin before he began looking around, and his eyes were quickly drawn to a pretty woman in a blue dress was talking to her equally pretty friend; they were pointing to various seats clearly trying to make a decision on where to sit for the best view of the bride.

Jack wandered over to join them, turning on his charm and voicing his opinion, "Ladies, if I may be so bold? I prefer to sit five rows back. Close enough to the altar but far enough back to see the bride's entrance." The women smiled at him, clearly encouraging him to go on. "Now, a lot of people go for the aisle. That's a mistake. You have the whole 'should I make contact with the bride' business. You don't want that; it's awkward. Fifth row back, second seat in, trust me." He offered them his most winning smile.

The two women look to the seats he suggested and nodded before the first woman turned to Jack to offer their thanks. "That's great, thank you so much."

Jack waited until they were headed towards the seats before going back over to John. "I have to hit the head," he told him.

John nodded. "Okay. I'll get us some seats on the groom's side." He let Jack know where to look for him.

The two men split up; John wandered off in search of good seats as Jack went in search of the bathroom.

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 3**

The men's room was easy to find, and the moment Jack entered he came across a familiar sight. The groom leaning against a urinal, hyper-ventilating and dry-heaving. Sighing, Jack moved to stand next to the urinal. "Yeah, I know what you're thinking." Jake, the groom, jumped in shock at the sound of Jack's voice; he obviously hadn't heard him walk in.

"Huh?" Jake swallowed against another bout of dry-heaves.

Jack shifted backwards just enough to ensure he didn't get splashed, just in case something did come up, and then he continued speaking. "You're thinking, 'What have I done? My life's over. I'm finished. Now it ends.' And at what? Twenty-six?" Jack waited until the groom nodded before he went on.

"Twenty-six years of pure, uncut, premium, Grade-A sexual freedom. Yeah, I know; it's a drug. A drug that makes morphine look like Skittles, and it's going right down the toilet as you descend into the abyss of country kitchens, dirty diapers, and mind-numbing conversations about her 'needs'. And you know what's even worse than all of that? The same sex with the same person, day after day, night after night, year in and year out." Jack was cut off by Jake retching again.

Jack waited a few moments to give the poor man time to gather himself, and once Jack was sure he okay, he picked up from where he left off. "Well, you're wrong. It's not like that at all. You see it as the beginning of the end. No, my friend! It's the end of the beginning…"

At this point the groom looks up at Jack, encouraged. "You're about to enter a world so complex and fulfilling, it makes your old life of endless boozing, late nights, and meaningless pieces of ass seem like the shallow, depressing graveyard that it really is."

Jack took a deep breath and looked right into Jake's eyes. "A world rich with deep love, endless adoration and honest appreciation from a life partner… well, this is a kind of happiness you never dreamed possible. It's a mystery, a gift that God gives us. And when the kids come? They call you Daddy… and you're their hero very own personal hero." Jack could see the hint of colour returning to the young man's face.

"And you get to grow old with someone whose love for you is timeless, endless. Someone who knows what you're thinking before you say it. Who'll take care of you when you're sick, comfort you when you're sad. Someone who'll laugh with your jokes, and hold your hand when you cry. Someone you never have to impress, but always want to." Jack spoke passionately. "Most men would give up their left arm to be in your shoes."

Jake was looking much better as he smiled at Jack. "Thank you."

Jack shrugged. "No problem." He point to the door. "Now, go get 'em."

Silence hung in the bathroom as Jack went about his business while Jake splashed some water over his face as he mulled over Jack's advice.

Jack was near the door when Jake stopped. "Hey, how long have you been married?" He asked.

"Oh…_I'm_ not married. I might try and nail that chick in the blue dress, though. She seems nice." Jack flashed his mega-watt grin at the man before taking his leave. Jake just stared at the closed door in disbelief, wondering how someone who's never been married can have such a clear picture of what it's like to be married.

Jack quickly found John and joined him in the pew. They both knelt and pretended to be in prayer while in reality they were scoping out potential men and women. Once they had a general idea of suitable targets, they both sat back down to compare notes.

"Third row, UNIT hat," John whispered.

"You should know by now that anyone who wears a hat will never give it up." Jack whispered back.

"What? That's not true! You bagged Ross and he was UNIT." John spoke a little too loudly and that caused people to turn around and give them disapproving looks.

Jack smiles apologetically at them before hissing at his friend, "A little louder, please. I don't think the priest heard you."

An elderly couple came and sat down next to Jack and the man offered his hand to Jack. "Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart and this is my lovely wife, Sarah Jane."

Jack shook his hand and smiled at the woman at his side; it was easy to see that in her youth, Sarah Jane had been truly beautiful. "Jack Smith and this is my brother John." John nodded his greeting.

After wrapping his arm around Sarah Jane's shoulder, Alistair asked, "So how do you boys know the groom?"

'_Shit!' _Jack hadn't thought of an answer to that. "Oh, we're… Uncle James' kids."

Alistair and Sarah Jane blinked. "Uncle James? Is he Diane's brother?" Sarah Jane asked softly, leaning in close to her husband's ear.

"Yeah… Diane's brother." Jack lied as he scrambled through his memory trying to remember who Diane was.

Alistair grinned at that. "Great. How is everybody?" He asked.

"Dad's fine. Aunt Diane sends her best. She couldn't make it." Jack rambled on, relieved he hadn't screwed up.

A look was exchanged between the older couple as Alistair pointed out quietly. "I know, she's dead."

Rolling his eyes, John leaned over; this wasn't the first time he has had to do this. "She sends her best from beyond the grave. We've become very spiritual." He watched the man's eyebrows briefly disappear into his hairline.

"I see," Alistair murmured under his breath before his and Sarah Jane's attention was drawn away by another wedding guest.

With a scowl on his face John growled lowly at Jack. "How many times are you gonna do this? If you're going to commit to a relative, be sure you know whether or not they have a pulse."

Before Jack could defend himself, the groom came out to the altar. The guests all turned to look expectantly at the back of the church. John and Jack catch sight of a groomsman escorting a rather regal-looking elderly woman to her seat; there is no doubt in their minds that this is Sylvia Saxon, the grandmother of the bride and the matriarch of the Saxon family. Next, two groomsmen walk the mother of the bride, Gwen Saxon, to her seat. She had the glow of someone who had been drinking… every day for the last twenty-five years.

An adorable little flower girl in a big poofy dress walked up the aisle next, concentrating hard on what she's supposed to be doing. Jack could see her lips moving as she took two deliberate steps, paused and carefully tossed a few flowers petals at her feet. As she got closer to him, he could hear her, "Step, step, throw. Step, step, throw," and she repeated this she reached the altar.

The entire congregation watched her face light up with a proud smile as she took a look back up the aisle at her handiwork. Then a quick glance into her basket made her realise that she still had a lot of petals left and her smile turned into a frown. Jack had to bite the inside of his mouth when he saw her do what was clearly the only thing she could think of; she turned her basket upside down and let the remaining flowers fall onto the floor in a little pile. Now satisfied, she happily skipped over to her seat in the first row.

Next, because the bride refused to have anyone but her brothers on her side of the wedding party, there were only groomsmen to precede her down the aisle; the only other woman in the bridal party was bride's older adopted sister, Toshiko Sato-Saxon. As the maid of honour walked down the aisle, John was blown away by how innocent the eldest of the Saxon children seems to be.

It took him a moment to find his voice. "Hello!" John whispered before nudging Jack in the ribs. "Dibs," he hissed quietly, laying claim to his newest conquest.

Jack smiled and shook his head. "All yours, my friend."

Next down the aisle was the bride's best man and the youngest brother, Ianto, and suddenly Jack forgot how to breathe as he laid eyes on the gorgeous man. As soon as Ianto reached the altar, a String Quartet began playing the familiar strains of Wagner's wedding march, 'Here Comes the Bride.' It took all of Jack's willpower to tear his eyes from Ianto and pay attention to the bride.

Harold Saxon, beaming with all the pride of a happy father, walked his daughter, Ace, down the aisle. Despite her chosen career as UNIT's top demolitions expert, Ace Saxon was the epitome of elegance and femininity as she glided gracefully towards her husband-to-be.

Jack leaned in close to John. "Think we got a crier?" he asked, prepared to make their usual wager on how far into the ceremony the bride would start weeping.

John snorted. "Ace Saxon, cry? The woman blows things up for a hobby! I very much doubt she'll shed a single tear." And Jack had to agree his friend was more than likely right. "Now the groom, on the other hand…"

A little later into the wedding, Jack and John were bored like crazy. The priest, Rhys Williams, who was conducting the very lengthy traditional Catholic service, announced "Now, for our next reading, I'd like to invite the bride's sister, Tosh, up to the lectern."

Jack leant in and whispered, "Twenty pounds says it's First Corinthians."

John shook his head. "No way. Colossians 3:12." He bet instead.

Realising that Sarah Jane was looking past her husband and glaring at them, Jack wisely remained silent, biting back a pithy comment.

Tosh, upon reaching the lectern, opened the bible to her coloured sticky marker and began speaking. "A reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. Love is patient. Love is kind…"

John rolled his eyes at Jack's triumphant smirk as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty, and as he handed it to Jack, he mocked under his breath, "Love is bullshit. Love sucks dick."

Forty-five minutes later and John had dozed off in the pew, leaning lightly against Jack's shoulder. Seeing this out of the corner of his eye, Jack elbowed him in the ribs. That jolted John awake and he reflexively dabbed some fake tears from under his eyes and sniffled, "I just love to see young people happy."

"Jake and Ace are both quite the sailing enthusiasts. So it came as no surprise to any of us when Jake proposed to Ace while sailing the Caribbean." Rhys stated warmly.

Jack and John shared a look, an eye-roll and a fake dry-heave.

Rhys continued blissfully ignorant of the antics going on in his pews. "Speaking on behalf of us all, I think I can confidently say that this marriage will be smooth sailing all the way." Delighted at his clever phase, he announced, "Now, the bride and groom have elected to say vows that they themselves have written."

The ring bearer, the groom's four-year-old nephew resplendent in his miniature tuxedo, stepped forward and handed the Father Rhys the pillow that carried the rings. After setting them on his open bible, Rhys blessed the golden bands and handed the first ring to Jake who placed it on Ace's finger before beginning his vows. "I, Jake, take you, Ace, to be my wife, my best friend, and my first mate."

Jack who had spent most of the wedding watching Ianto, smiled when he saw the younger man make a face that clearly said, 'Oh, puh-leeeese.'

Not noticing what his future brother in-law was doing, Jake continued with his vows. "I promise to captain our ship of love, and to stay _with_ that ship no matter how rough the seas."

Ianto, at this point, was clearly trying to stifle his laughter.

"Through health and sickness, clear skies and squalls."

Ianto couldn't stop himself any longer and let a little laugh escape his lips and Jack suddenly found that he couldn't take his eyes off him. In the twelve years that he had been crashing weddings, he had _never_ seen anyone in the bridal party laugh during the vows.

"You are the star I set my course to. You are my magnetic north. My sextant always point to you."

Ianto can't fight it any longer, he laughed out loud. Quickly he covered the laugh with a cough as his sister glared daggers at him. "Sorry. Tickle in my throat. Please continue." Amusement-laced Welsh vows had Jack squirming in his seat as a shiver ran down his back.

"Well, this is a first." John suddenly found this wedding a little more interesting as well.

"He's amazing!" Jack whispered, clearly enamoured with Ianto.

Ace smiled as she accepted her ring from the priest and placed it on Jake's finger. "I, Ace, take you, Jake, to be my husband, my best friend, and my captain."

Ianto was in agony, literally pinching himself in the thigh to keep from losing it completely.

"To be your anchor and your sail, your starboard and your port, your bow and your stern."

Ianto had to turn around, his shoulders were heaving with silent mirth.

"Your life, your love, your lady, and the sea."

Still turned around, Ianto snort-laughed, and to Jack it was one of the loveliest sounds he'd ever heard another human being make.

Rhys smiled at the couple standing in front of him, their hands clasped tightly together, and their faces lit by glowing smiles. "By the power vested in me by the Roman Catholic Church and by the Commonwealth of London, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife." He looked a little uncomfortable at this point as he added, "Captain, you may now kiss your first mate."

That did it for Ianto; he couldn't hold back any longer and he burst into gales of laughter as the couple shared their first kiss as man and wife. Thankfully, the sounds of his mirth were drowned out by the guests' applause as the couple parted and walked back up the aisle. Somehow, Ianto managed to regain enough control to follow them with a straight face; he didn't notice that Jack's eyes were glued to his every movement. As Tosh, passed him, John was able to catch her eye and he winked at her, to his delight, she blushed in response and smiled at him.

TBC…


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 4**

Arriving at the Reception, Jack and John stood off to one side and checked the layout the place; the bar was off to one side and the opposite side was a wall of windows leading out to a wide deck with an ocean view. Everything was decorated beautifully, there were opulent platters of food, and a swing band was playing. It was like something from Gatsby. A waiter passed by with a tray of lobster canapés, and Jack and John each snag one; after a moment of internal debate, John snagged another one.

"Sweet, huh? What did I tell you?" John knew he had been right.

Jack had to admit that John had been right indeed when he'd declared that the Saxon wedding would be the highlight of their dubious wedding crashing career. "You said it would be sweet and you were right." And then suddenly his Welsh vision was standing before him and all Jack could focus on was Ianto. "Get us seats near – but not too near - the bridal party. I'll drop off the fake present." Jack held up the gift-wrapped box he was holding.

"Excellent. And if you see any crab cakes, grab me some." John called out to Jack's retreating back. As his friend wandered off to find the gift table, John surveyed the room as he moved towards a suitable table. Once he got a glimpse of the name cards on the plates, he pulled several name cards from his pocket. He searches through them quickly until he finds a style that matches and then making sure no one was looking, he removed two other cards from the tables. "Sorry Mr and Mrs Jones. I'm sure we'll find you another lovely table." John muttered under his breath as he placed the fake cards on the table and moved away.

Jack, having found the enormous display of wedding presents, placed the fake gift on the table. As he turned to go, he discovers to his absolute delight that Ianto is there also, checking on the gifts. Jack waited until he picked up a medium-sized gift and gave it a little shake. "Fondue set," he announced with authority.

Ianto blinked at the very handsome man and tilted his head slightly, wondering who he was and what he was talking about. "Excuse me?" he asked softly.

Jack fought back a shiver as goose bumps pebbled his skin. Never before had anyone accent ever affected him so much, and he had to admit he rather liked it, a lot. "The present you're holding. It's a sterling silver fondue set." Jack offered his hand, "Jack Smith."

Ianto slipped his hand into Jack's and both shivered at the electricity that coursed through their bodies at the simple touch. "Ianto Saxon. How do you know?" He asked with a smile.

"Sort of psychic." Jack stated with utter seriousness in his voice.

Letting his curiosity getting the better of him, Ianto placed down the gift he was holding and picked up another one. "Really? What's this one?"

"Knife set. Very nice. German." Jack answered without pause. Ianto exchanged it for another one. "Cotton lines, Egyptian." Wanting to impress Ianto, Jack quickly pointed to a series of presents and named then all, "Place settings. Candlesticks. Crystal Stemware … which they will never use, by the way, and I have to say, that is bad karma."

Ianto couldn't help but laugh a little before picking one last gift, a small box, clearly waiting for Jack's opinion of what it contained. Jack grinned wickedly as he answered, "Massage oils and a book on Tantra. Probably from the wacky Aunt."

Ianto looked at the gift card and shook his head. "You're right, Aunt River. Wow! You definitely have a gift," he told Jack as he put the box back on the table.

"Yes, well… unfortunately, my powers only apply to useless consumer products." Jack confessed with mock disappointment in his voice.

"Well, look, if one day the police need someone to find a missing Belgian waffle maker, you're there, right?" Jack could hardly believe his ears, was Ianto flirting with him? _'Yeah! He's flirting with me!' _Jack forced his feet to remain still despite the sudden urge to dance a silly jig.

Before their conversation could go any further, Ianto's mother, the blissfully buzzed Gwen, approached them. "Ianto, we need you for pictures." Gwen stopped and blatantly raked her eyes rake over Jack's body. "Who's your friend?" she asked, making no attempt to hide her interest or invitation.

"This is Jack Smith." Ianto smiled at Jack; his fingertips could still feel the jolt of electricity they had shared.

The knowledge that Ianto remembered his name filled Jack with happiness. "You remembered my name. Very good."

Ianto's smile grew. "I have a gift." He whispered teasingly before flashing Jack a wink and turning on his heel to walk away with his mother. Gwen pauses long enough to flash Jack her own wink and Jack would later admit to John he was a little creeped out. He did not go for married men or women, and in truth, he wanted no one but Ianto.

Having finally tracked down John, Jack was not at all surprised to find him at the bar and, of course, he was eating. It truly baffled Jack how much John could put away at one time, as well as how despite it all, he could maintain his wiry figure. _'Wait, do men have figures? Should it be his wiry frame? Or what about…' _Several crumbs of food landed on Jack's hand and pulled him from his reverie.

"You must try the bacon wrapped scallops." John told him around a mouthful of food. Jack tried not to look at the mess on display in John's mouth; sometimes, John was a pig.

"Will do." Jack snagged one from John's plate – a major faux pass in John's eyes - and took a bite, all the while smirking under the glare of his friend. Jack choked on the food as he spotted something that could blow their plan to bits. "Oh shit! Isn't that the chick, what was her name…? Lisa! Remember, you picked her up at the Pond wedding?" Jack hissed.

John's eyes widened as he began to panic. "Quick, hide me!"

Jack cursed when Lisa's eyes landed on them and she made her way over to them. "Too late. We'll do number ten from the playbook." Jack ordered and John gave a slight nod showing he knew what to do.

"Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing your possessions and moving to Nepal." Lisa asked and John looked at her, feigning confusion. "Shlomo? Don't you remember me?"

Jack put a look of sadness in his eyes as he addressed her, "Oh, God, I'm sorry. You didn't hear, I guess. Shlomo had a bad accident. In the Himalayas. Sherpas, pack mules, oxygen deprivation. He doesn't remember anyone. Even me, his _own brother_… I'm just some nice man who helps him out."

"Oh, you poor dear!" She had tears in her eyes as sympathy poured off her in waves. "Is there anything I can do?" John looked at her before faking sign language to Jack.

"I'm afraid he can't hear you. Part of the accident." Jack told her sadly; he needed to find out why she was here and how to get rid of her. "You here for the Saxon wedding?"

Lisa nodded her head. "Yes, but I have to leave. I've got a flight to Madrid," she informed him and out of her sight, John mouths, 'Thank God' to Jack only to nearly curse out loud when she continued, "But I could hang out for a few minutes." She reached out and stroked John's arm. "Oh, poor Shlomo. You were such a sweet man."

John did some more fake sign language to Jack who nodded. "He wants me to take him to the bathroom." Jack informed Lisa as John signed something else, "and he wants some crab cakes." Jack started his own signing. "Okay, we'll go to the bathroom first then we'll get the crab cakes."

John signed something angrily and it took all of Jack's willpower not to laugh as he figured out what his friend was trying to say, and he signed back, "Fine. We'll get you crab cakes first." He then turned his attentions back to Lisa, "Please excuse us. I'm sure that John would be pleased to see you again, if he, you know, knew who you were."

Lisa nodded sadly and patted John's arm, "I understand." She handed Jack a card she had gotten out of her purse. "Here's my number; if there's anything I can do to help, please call me." She smiled sweetly at Jack and kissed John's cheek before walking away.

Once he was sure that Lisa was out of view, John snatched the card from Jack's hands with a dirty grin on his face. "Cool. In a couple of weeks I'll have you call her for me. Guaranteed score. Deaf-mute amnesiac. They love that. I won't even have to buy her dinner," he chortled.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Charming. So what angle are you going to work _tonight_?" Jack reminded his friend of the score for them waiting here.

John blinked; he's been so busy planning his date with Lisa that he'd forgotten for a moment that they were on the pull. "I think I'll start with a public balloon animal display for the kids and then, when that girl draws near, do the man-haunted-by-noble-past." John quickly got his game together.

"Excellent." Jack was glad to see John's mind had returned to the present.

John looked at Jack, "You?" He wondered what angle his friend was going to use; Jack could be quite… imaginative.

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "No brainer. I'm gonna work old man Saxon and then dance with the little flower girl. Public-policy-minded _and_ good with kids."

"Beautiful." John clearly approved of the plan.

"Let's do it." Jack and John wished each other luck before heading off in different directions in search of their chosen prizes.

TBC…


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Author Note: **Because it's been a while and chapter 4 and 5 were so short I thought I'd post them together.

**Chapter 5**

_**A little while later**_

John was making balloon animals for the kids, and his current effort was an elephant. Once he was done he handed the finished elephant to a kid, leaving all the other kids impressed and wanting animals of their own. John began looking around for Tosh, the bridesmaid he had placed 'dibs' on at the ceremony. She looked at John from the corner of the room. "Okay, who's next?" John asked the kids, knowing he needed to make a good impression on Tosh.

A bratty-looking kid pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "I want a bicycle," he demanded.

"A bike takes too many balloons. Uncle John's a little out of breath. How about a giraffe? Giraffe's are cool." John tried to reason with the kid.

The kid got right in John's face and demanded again, "Make me a bicycle." It was obvious that he was used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted it.

'_This is going to be a long day,' _John thought with a sigh as he began making the bike, all the while intensely aware of Tosh's gaze.

Jack found himself smiling as he danced with the little flower girl, Mica, who was counting her steps, "One, two, three, step. One, two, three, step."

"Tell you what. Why don't you stand on my shoes and I'll show you a few moves you can bust out on your classmates. Would you like that?" Jack offered.

Mica looked up at him with a bright smile. "Yes, please." With that she stepped onto Jack's shoes and he began moving around the floor like Gene Kelly. Mica was laughing and having the time of her life, much to the envy of the several big girls, who would have loved to dance, and more, with Jack.

At the edge of the dance floor, Ianto was watching the scene with fondness and he smiled at Jack when he caught the other man's gaze. Jack smiled back at him before dipping Mica, who giggled with delight.

Ianto wasn't the only one watching Jack and Mica; Gwen slid onto the dance floor next to the dancing man and little girl. "Let's see how you do with someone your own age," she purred.

'_I'm half your age, lady.' _Jack mentally snorted and fought back the urge to say that out loud to Gwen. Instead he smiled graciously, if not a little warily, at her, "I think I'm up to the challenge." He then turned his attention to Mica, bowing down before her. "Save me a dance later?" and he winked at the little girl who promised she would before dashing off to tell all her friends about her grown-up dancing.

Jack spun Gwen out onto the dance floor and made very sure to keep a respectful distance from the woman. "So, how long have you and Defence Minister been married?" Jack asked trying to get some info.

"Oh, thirty years next April." Gwen commented dismissively, clearly not all that interested in talking about her marriage.

"Wow." Jack had to admit that was a long time.

"Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them." Gwen purred into Jack's ear while getting a quick grope of his ass. It took all of Jack's willpower not to recoil from the woman's unwanted touch.

John was out of breath as he handed the boy his elaborate balloon bicycle. Tosh joined the group and smiled at John. "You're good."

"This is nothing. Yesterday I made my grandma a new house. Real nice one, too. With a pool." John joked.

Tosh laughed and leaned in close to him. "Okay, then, I'll take a sports car." She teased and her eyes lit up with laughter.

"Or how about a dance instead?" John offered her his hand.

"That's what I really wanted." Tosh slipped her hand into John's and the two moved to the dance floor.

Having finally escaped Gwen's clutches, Jack was carrying on a conversation with Harold Saxon.

"So you read my paper on the need to expand Torchwood to other countries?" Harold was deeply impressed by this man.

Jack took a sip of his drink before responding to the question. "Of course. Read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda."

That piqued Harold's interest even more. "Ah, a sailor. Good man. Hey, you didn't happen to catch my speech about why UNIT's new airship, the Valiant, is a must?"

Jack hid a smile; with this answer he would be in good with Ianto's father and thus one step closer to his goal. "Are you kidding me? It was brilliant! Now if only everyone else weren't so short-sighted." Jack praised.

"Yes, yes! So short-sighted." Harold agreed, putting his arm around Jack's shoulders. "Jack, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?"

"Nothing would make me happier, sir." Jack grinned accepting the man's offer.

Out on the dance floor, John and Tosh were dancing to a slow song and John was spinning his tale. "And you saved his life?" Tosh whispered in awe.

"Yeah, but some others weren't so lucky. It still shakes me up to talk about it." John said in a carefully rehearsed tremulous breath.

"I'm sorry." Tosh wanted to comfort the man; she pulled him in closer to her for a quick hug, completely missing the look of satisfaction that flashed in John's eye for a brief second.

In a slightly choked up voice John continued. "It's okay. It's just… we lost some really good men, friends." John stopped dancing and looked down. "If you'll excuse me, I think I need to get some air." He pulled away from Tosh and shook her hand. "It was nice meeting you." John made his way to the exit and headed for the beach.

John walked slowly along the beach heading towards the ocean and in the distance he could hear the echoing call of, "John! Wait up." Smiling to himself John slowed down, letting Tosh catch up to him. _'Hook, line and sinker. She's all mine.' _John knew he had Tosh in his grasp.

TBC…


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

Out on the deck, Jack and Harold are quietly savouring their cigars and enjoying the ocean view.

"Jack, you seem like an astute man." Harold suddenly broke the silence.

"Thank you, sir." Jack was wondering where Harold was going with this.

"Maybe you can help explain something to me." Harold nodded towards the corner of the deck, "See that young man over there?"

Jack followed Harold's gaze and saw a young man, standing alone at the edge of the waves. He looks intense, morose, artistic. They watched as he plucked petals off a rose and tossing them into the ocean, watching each petal intently as it falls. Jack can only conclude that this is the middle son, Andy.

A sigh escaped Harold's lips. "That's my son, Andy. Twenty-seven years old. The whole world in front of him. Every advantage in life, advantages I never had. Well, that's not exactly true. He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell a lot of advantages, so here's my question: what the hell does he have to be so blood unhappy about?" He growled out the words before taking a long sip of his drink.

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, sir. Maybe he hasn't found anything to believe in yet." Jack offered. Family counselling wasn't part of his repertoire.

"Oh, he _says_ he believes in _art._" The absolute disdain was clear in Harold's voice. "But all I've seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas, and then smear it around with a stick."

"Well, some people think that's art." Jack responded when Harold paused to take another sip of his drink.

"It's crap. Whatever happened to public service, our obligation to our fellow man?" Harold paused once again as he caught sight of a passing waitress and he held up his glass, "Um, Lucy? My daiquiri's at half-mast."

With utter adoration in her eyes, Lucy took the glass from Harold's hand. "Right away, sir," she purred at him before rushing off to fill his glass.

Jack watched the scene with interest before deciding he should answer the man's question, "I'm sure he's, you know, just finding his way." He tried to make the words sound convincing, even though he agreed in part with his host.

Harold mulled over Jack's words for a moment. "And perhaps I should take it a little easier on him?" He suggested, mostly to himself.

Once again Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps; it certainly couldn't hurt."

Harold had to admit that Jack might have a point. "Yeah. Maybe your right."

"Death! You are my bitch lover!" Andy chose that moment to scream out to the ocean.

"Good, Andy, that's good! You tell that… mean… old… ocean." Harold called out to his son, trying to offer his support. Jack gave the man a big smile and nodded at his attempts to encourage his son.

* * *

><p>In a deserted cove Tosh and John were getting cosy, and the look on Tosh's face showed that she was clearly smitten with John.<p>

"And so you dove into the icy water to save him?" Awe was obvious in Tosh's voice.

John shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. "Yeah, well, I'm sure anyone would do the same."

Tosh let out a curious noise. "I've always wondered about this. It's so amazing to me. Why would anyone risk their own life to save the life of someone they don't even know?" She moved in closer to John.

John knew it was time to turn up the romance factor. "Well, the great 19th century philosopher, Schopenhauer, asked that very question and this is how he answered it. He said at that moment when a person sees another in danger, there's a breaking in of a metaphysical awareness. You know what that awareness is?" John asked softly.

"What?" Tosh whispered expectantly.

"That we are all one. That separateness is an illusion. That I am one with everyone. The Prime Minister of England, my great Uncle Pete, you, me, the fat kid on 'What's Happening.' We are all one." John told her, passion lacing his every word.

"We are?" Tosh was breathless now, intensely aware of the man she was with.

"Yes." John took her hand in his. "My hand is your hand," John stroked Tosh's cheek. "My cheek is your cheek," John then trailed his finger across Tosh's lips, "My lips…" John trailed off.

Tosh was more than happy to pick up where he left off. "Are my lips?"

"Yes." John whispered, his eyes fixed on hers, and that's all it took before Tosh was kissing him passionately.

* * *

><p>Jack was still talking to Harold Saxon when Ianto joined them out on the deck, and Jack felt his heart leap at the sight of the beautiful man.<p>

A bright smile lit up Harold's face as he spotted his youngest, and most favourite, son. "Ianto, there's someone I want you to meet. This is Jack Smith." Harold introduced them as he wrapped an arm around his son's shoulders.

Ianto smiled; knowing that Jack must have made quite the impression on his father if the older man was actually introducing them. "We've met. He's psychic." Ianto teased Jack.

Harold looked between his son and the man he had been talking to and he could see the small spark of something passing back and fourth between them; he didn't know if he should encourage it or not. "Really? Well, maybe he can tell me where my daiquiri is." He joked back before shouting for Lucy and then taking his leave to hunt for his missing drink.

Ianto waited for his dad to leave before he turned his attention to Jack and smiled at the man. "You're a big hit at this wedding," he stated.

"A lot of nice people here." Jack lied through his teeth.

"They're full of shit." Ianto stated bluntly.

Jack choked on the drink he had just taken and swallowed hard. "Excuse me?" That truly was not the response he had been expecting back.

Ianto shrugged, coming to lean against the deck railing. "The only reason ninety per cent of these people are here is because of my dad. They're all suckling at the power-teat."

Jack shook his head fondly before joining Ianto at the deck railing, casually standing close to him. "Yeah, well, that's why I'm here, the crab cakes and the power-teat. When does the suckling begin, by the way? After the first dance?" Jack asked, pleased to see a smile tilt the corners of Ianto's mouth.

Ianto let out a soft laugh. "I don't know. Everyone's walking around trying to act like they care. It's awful. Plus, the place is rife with lawyers. A gazillion lawyers."

Jack straightened up slightly when he heard the distain in those beautiful Welsh vowels at the mention of lawyers. "Not big on lawyers, huh?" He asked nonchalantly trying to figure out why Ianto didn't like them.

"Hate 'em. I mean… you're not one, are you?" Ianto asked, afraid he might have offended Jack.

Jack quickly shook his head and once again lied. "Oh, God, no! But just out of curiosity, what have you got against lawyers?" He didn't know why this was so important to him. He'd met dozen of people who hated lawyers, so why did Ianto's opinion mean so much to him?

"Lawyers are, by nature, liars. And I hate liars." Ianto admitted and Jack felt a sharp pang in his chest. Before the conversation could go any further, sounds of laughter had them turning to see a few people slapping Harold on the back and sharing a laugh with him. "See? Suckling." Ianto gestured to the scene.

"Ah, so now it begins, and so public, too." Jack couldn't help but laugh; he was finding Ianto completely adorable. Jack decided it was time to begin his plan of seducing this wonderful man into his bed. "There may be some truths to what you are saying, but I prefer to think that most people come to weddings, even an 'event' this one, because they want to believe they're in the presence of true love, that true love is possible." Jack pointed out softly. "Even for the lawyers. Even for the suckers."

"True love, huh? And what is true love to Jack Smith?" Ianto asked Jack, resting his chin on his hand and looking at Jack.

Jack blinked; never before had a mark asked him what true love meant to him. They were always too willing to share their own interpretation. "Well… true love is your soul's recognition of its one true counterpart in another." Jack can tell that his answer moved Ianto even though the younger man tried to hide it.

"That's a little grandiose, don't you think?" Ianto said trying to hide his true feelings, but Jack's answer had struck at his heart, echoing his own sentiments.

"Perhaps." Jack shrugged; he could see that he'd really gotten to the other man. "So, are you giving the toast?" He asked changing the subject, for which Ianto was grateful.

"Yes! Normally I'm terrible at these things, but I think this one's pretty good." At this point Ianto handed Jack the folded-up paper he had been carrying in his pocket. "I had to fight the urge to be completely honest. What do you think?" Ianto wanted to know the man honest opinion.

"I saw your honest opinion up at the altar," Jack grinned, making Ianto blush slightly. After a quick read through Jack gave Ianto the honest opinion he wanted. "I think the urge won."

Ianto frowned. "What are you talking about? I think this speech is pretty good!" he exclaimed, making no attempt to hide the disappointment in his voice.

Jack shook his head. "You can't say this, Ianto."

Ianto's frown grew deeper. "Why not?" He truly wanted to know.

Jack began reading part of the speech aloud. _"I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what people thought as much as she did. Until I met Jake." _

"What? It's funny. Funny because it's true. People like funny." Ianto reminded Jack; a tiny pout crossed his face.

"No," Jack shook his head; he didn't want to insult Ianto, but neither did he want to see him make a fool of himself. "See, the funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a small thing, like _'Tim's a little frugal' _or _'We all know Rose likes to shop. Ha. Ha'. _I mean, people are here for a wedding, not to see Don Rickles at the Sands. I'd give it a fifteen, _maybe_ a twenty per cent chance of a laugh. Not worth the risk. See, people want something from the heart at the wedding." Jack told Ianto straight. "This would have been great at the stag do, though."

Ianto was more than a little perturbed by Jack's attitude. "Well, _I_ think people are gonna love it."

"Nope, you're gonna get dead silence. Crickets," Jack warned.

"You're wrong. I'm going to stick with it." Ianto snatched his speech from Jack's hands and stalked off back to the party.

"Fine. I'll be in the back of the room waiting to tell you I told you so." Jack called to Ianto's retreating back and grinning broadly. He really liked this stubborn side to the Welshman.

It was time for the toasts and the best man, Rory, was finishing up an amazing speech. "But I think Bruce Springsteen said it best when he said, _'Someday baby, I don't know when, we're gonna find that place where we walk in the sun.' _And I just want to say how happy I am that my best friend and the woman he loves have found that place. It's truly inspiring to us all."

An audible 'aww' came from the guest, and they clinked their glasses together in salute. Jack made sure he was standing at the back of the room where Ianto couldn't miss seeing him. When Ianto reached the lectern and unfolded his speech, Jack managed to catch Ianto's eye and he faked a gagging motion.

Ianto fought back a laugh as he began to make his speech. "I never thought my sister would find anyone who cared about what people thought as much as she did. Until I met Jake." And exactly as Jack had warned him, no one found it funny; in fact, some people actually looked dismayed. Ianto could only hope the rest of his speech went over better. "As you all know, both my sister and Jake are in explosives work for big companies. But that's not the only thing they have in common. You, see they both have the same favourite colour. Red." Ianto pause for a beat before continuing on, "Uh… like… fire. You know?" Again, not a single laugh and several guests were beginning to shift in their seats.

Panicking, Ianto abandoned his speech. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm not really good at this sort of thing." For some reason he couldn't explain, Ianto sought out Jack at the back of the room. He met Jack's eye and saw Jack point at his heart. Giving Jack a minute nod, Ianto took a deep breath.

"But I will tell you this. I've heard it said that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpart in another. That's a very rare thing in this world and it's something to be valued. And I'm just really happy that my sister has found it."

Ianto let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding when the crowd began to 'aww' and in a shocking move, Ace burst into tears and rushed up to hug Ianto tightly. The sound of the guest's thunderous applause was lost to Jack and Ianto as their eyes met again, and Jack motioned for Ianto to join him at the bar.

* * *

><p>John struggled to regain his breath, the mid-day sun was reflecting off the water and Tosh's head was pillowing on his chest; the only thing covering them was a single blanket. "That was so amazing," Tosh said with a great big smile.<p>

John, not really caring, muttered, "Yeah, great. What do you say we head back?"

Tosh acted like she didn't hear John as she happily exclaimed, "I always _knew_ my first time would be on a beach. I'm just so happy it was with you."

Gulping in fear, John blurted out. "Wait a minute, first time?" and when Tosh nodded, John's voice rose to a high pitch squeak. "You were a virgin?"

Tosh snuggled closer to John. "Mm-hmm. Oh, John, we're gonna be so happy together. I love you." Tosh declared with a big smile on her face, never noticing the look of absolute panic on John.

* * *

><p>As Jack and Ianto met up at the bar, Ianto smiled gratefully at Jack and gave him a heartfelt, "Thank you."<p>

"Now you know never to doubt me." Jack gave Ianto a cocky grin.

"God, it was exhilarating. It was…" Ianto had no words that could describe what he was feeling and he was about to lean in and hug Jack in thanks another body swooped in and cut him off.

"Ianto, you were awesome!" Grey declared before pulling Ianto into a kiss. Jack could only stare, dumbstruck, unable to understand the hurt he was feeling.

Ianto pulled away from the man kissing him and turned to face Jack; he suddenly felt guilty for kissing Grey in front of the other man and he didn't know why. "Uh, Jack, this is my boyfriend, Grey."

"Nice to meet you." Jack mumbled half-heartedly.

Grey completely ignored Jack and grasped Ianto's hand. "Let's dance."

Ianto turned his attention back to Jack. "It was great meeting you." As he shook Jack's hand Ianto tried to ignore the jolt of lightening that went through his body at the simple touch.

"Yeah, you too." It took all of Jack's willpower to release Ianto's hand and he took a big swallow of his drink as he watched Ianto and Grey move onto the dance floor.

When a very out-of-breath John rushed up to Jack there was panic in his eyes. "Dude, we've got to get out of here. ASAP! I've got a stage-five clinger." John hissed to Jack as his eyes darted around anxiously.

"I need more time." Jack mumbled back, never taking his eyes off of Ianto.

John was ready to shake some sense into his friend. "You're not hearing me. She's a stage-five clinger! A virgin clinger! I'll start the car." John rolled his eyes when he saw that his friend's gaze was still locked on Ianto. "Give it up already. His sister told me he's got a boyfriend. Tough luck. We all got our bad days. I need to leave right now!" But all ideas of escaping vanished as Harold Saxon, along with his wife and Tosh, approached them.

"There you two are." Harold greeted them with a smile.

John butted in, answering before Jack could. "Actually, we're just about to leave. It's been a lovely wedding." He turns his attention to Tosh and lies right through his teeth, "I'll call you. It's a promise."

Harold completely ignored John and turned his attention to Jack. "Well, look, we always hate to see a wedding end so we kept the party going back in our little place on the Vineyard. It's sort of our family tradition. And, well, since we've all taken a shine to you, we'd love you to be our guests for the weekend. What do you say?" Harold offered.

Tosh smiled hopefully keeping her eyes on John, and Gwen did the same, hungrily devouring both John and Jack with her eyes. Ianto and Grey join the group, curiosity and a little hope shining in Ianto's blue eyes. He's heard the last of his dad's invitation.

Not taking his eyes off of Ianto, Jack answered, "We'd love to."

"What?" The word exploded out of John's mouth, and realizing that everyone was staring at him, he quickly added, "We don't have any other clothes!"

Harold waved off John's concern with a simple, "Oh, we have everything you need out on the island."

"But I promised my Granny I'd take her to the park." John hoped playing the Granny card would stop any more talk of spending the weekend with these people.

"And I'm sure daddy can hire someone to take your Granny to the park." Tosh spoke up; she was determined to spend more time with John.

"Not a problem." Harold thought his daughter's idea was wonderful. "I know just the person; she's taken care of my own mother for years, John. Your Granny is in very capable hands."

Jack smiled. "Great! Done." He strands heavily on John's foot halting his friend from saying anything else as Harold slapped Jack on the back.

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 7**

_**Later that afternoon on board the Saxon's yacht**_

Jack and John are standing at the stern of the boat and Jack could tell from the angry look in John's eyes he was going to get a very sharply worded lecture. Fortunately he was spared for a moment when Tosh made her way over to them.

"John, sweetie, I'm making lemonade. Interested?" Tosh asked sweetly, batting her eyes at him.

John forced a fake smile cross his face. "Sure, sure. That'd be great, honey." Tosh smiled and walked away while John continued talking in a sotto voice, "And could you put some heroin in it?" He then turned his attention back to his friend. "Jack, this is against the rules! You get a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime!" John growled at his friend.

Jack crossed his arms and glared at his friend. "Oh really? No overtime? Need I remind you of the Chung wedding, 1997?"

John silently cursed himself for giving Jack an opening argument and he tried a different angle, "All right, look…" only to have Jack cut him off.

"We finished the reception. I'm ready to go home. Next thing I know, you're dragging me to watch you and some chick play mah-jongg with her grandmother thirty miles away at a retirement home." Jack reminded his friend.

"I needed to do that, all right?" John defended himself.

"You _needed _to do that… ha." Jack let out a sarcastic laugh.

"She was into her grandma! You know the drill!" When Jack scoffed John forgot where they were and let his voice rise. "It was my first Asian!" At this, the people within earshot turned to look at John.

Jack shot John a warning look. "Look, I just need some alone time with him."

"He's got a boyfriend." John pointed out again.

"They all have boyfriends and girlfriends." Jack brought up his own point. "So what?"

John tossed his hands up in the air; he knew there was no talking Jack out of his plan. "Okay. Fine! Get some alone time, seal the deal and let's get the fuck away from these people."

Any further conversation was brought to a halt as Grey made his way over to them. "Gentlemen. Everything okay?" Grey asked them.

"Oh yeah. Fine." Jack forced a smile on his face and resisted the urge to punch Ianto's boyfriend on his jaw.

Grey looked overboard. "Oh man, will you check that out a school of bluefish." Curious, Jack and John joined him to take a look. "You know, these waters used to be flush with bluefish. And then the corporate polluters came in and well, you can guess the rest. After we, and I mean the National Environmental Defence League under my stewardship, got a Bluefish Revival Act..." Grey's boasting was cut off by Jack.

"Bluefish Revival Act? They were at Woodstock, right?" Jack joked and Grey laughing insincerely as Harold Saxon ambled over, cocktail in hand, and quickly looks overboard as well.

"My God! Are those bluefish? You know, Grey here is single-handedly responsible for the spurt in the bluefish population." Harold boasted about Grey's accomplishment.

From the look on John's face, Jack can tell that his friend had a wise-ass comment ready but one quick elbow from Jack stops the comment from leaving John's lips. "Yes, sir, we heard." Jack informed the Defence Minister politely.

"Well, anyway, listen, as soon as we get to the compound we were thinking about a little touch football game, another Saxon family tradition. What do you say?" Harold asked the two men while taking a sip of his drink.

"Absolutely." Jack was already thinking of ways he could use the game to impress Ianto.

"Great." In John's mind it was the _perfect _way to avoid having to spend anytime alone with Tosh.

A big smile spread across Harold's face at their agreement. "Good!" He took a good look at his glass and cursed under his breath, "Damn, why is my daiquiri always at low-tide." He sighed and took another look at the bluefish. "God, I love those bluefish."

'_What is the big deal about these fish?' _John craned his neck to get another look, trying to see what was so special about them. At the same time, Saxon gave John a hard but friendly slap on the back and given how far John had leaned over the railing, the slap sent him overboard and into the ocean.

After being pulled out of the ocean, John was soaking wet and shivering, and he spent the remainder of the trip glaring at his so-called best friend while being fawned over by Tosh. As the boat approached land, Jack and John got their first glimpse of Saxon's little compound. It was a huge, old beachfront mansion with an expansive lawn that went down to the beach and Adirondack chairs strewn about. There was also a boathouse, and a dock with various sailboats moored to it.

John leaned in and whispered to Jack with pure disbelief in his voice, "That's the _little_ place back on the Vineyard?"

After getting settled in their rooms, and finding John some warm, dry clothes, Jack and John found themselves out on the front lawn. Along with the rest of the guests, the scrimmage line-up including Ianto, Grey and Harold Saxon. Andy was sitting on the sideline, reading; family tradition or not, he had no interest in the game at all.

For Jack, the biggest highlight of the game so far was when he managed to score a touchdown on Grey, a fact which didn't sit all that well with Grey. Ianto's boyfriend managed to improve his attitude when, in the next play, he completely flattened John.

Jack was too busy paying attention to Ianto, who was able to catch John's pass, despite the wildly thrown ball. Ianto did a little dance to get around Jack so he could score, but he became thoroughly distracted by Jack, who mimicked his dance steps, and caused the younger man to burst into laughter. That gave Jack the opening he needed to tag the younger man.

Ianto pouted at Jack. "No fair! You made me laugh!"

It took all of Jack's willpower not to react to Ianto's very adorable pout; he wanted nothing more at that moment than to suck on that oh-so-tempting lower lip. "No, it's not fair. A lot of things in life aren't fair." He mimicked Ianto's dance again and Ianto couldn't help but laugh again at his silly antics.

Ianto finally noticed that something was happening up-field. "Hey, is your friend okay?" Worry laced his Welsh vowels, making them stronger. Jack turned to see John's seemingly lifeless body being carried off the field, and he took off at a dead run for his friend with Ianto right behind him.

"I don't know what got into me." Grey lied through his teeth; he was thrilled with the results of his play.

Harold slapped Grey on the back with pride. "I do! Five generations of Lodge family breeding. Hell, your father used to pull the same stunt when we were your age." Harold and Grey shared a laugh.

Jack reached John's side and dropped to his knees. "Are you all right?" He asked, a worried frown marring his features.

"Oh he's fine! Hey, John, why don't you sit out the next play. Andy, come on in." Harold called over to his son.

Andy looked up from his book. "You must be joking." His voice was loaded with distaste at the idea of him playing sports.

"It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports once in a while, would it?" Harold challenged his son. Andy scoffed and returned to his book while his father rolled his eyes in exasperation.

Somehow John managed to stand up and holding his side, he said "It's okay. It's okay. Um, perhaps Andy could just donate a kidney instead."

Tosh rushed over, hyper-concerned, flung her arms John's neck, and stuck her tongue halfway down his throat. John jumped back, trying to get some distance between them. "I'm better now. Second down," John declared before rushing back onto the field as fast as he could.

Of course a few minutes later, after he is once again sacked, hard, by Grey, John couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been safer to stay with Tosh.

"Damn! What in the world is wrong with me?" Grey asked out loud, acting as if he was disappointed with himself.

Again, Harold slapped Grey on the back. "Nature verses nurture, Grey. Nature always wins." The two men share an over-exaggerated manly chortle before Harold suggested, "Let's take a daiquiri time-out."

The other players leave the field as well, as he rushed to John's side, Jack noted that Grey had a tight, almost painful grip on Ianto's arm, dragging him away from the injured man. It was a move the young Welshman clearly did not like, judging by the look on his face. Reaching his friend's side, Jack asked him, "You all right?" John was very pale-looking, and Jack was really worried.

John levelled a pain-filled glare at his friend for asking such a stupid question and for getting him into this mess. "I may need you to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. I think I'm choking on my own nuts. Do we get to leave now?" Hope laced his voice as he prayed that this was the end of Jack's foolishness.

"No." At that moment John truly hated Jack Harkness.

Any further conversation about leaving was halted when Tosh and Gwen rush over to them. "Honey, let's take him in the house and get him fixed up." Gwen suggested to her worried daughter.

"Sure, mom." Tosh helped John to his feet and they hobbled into the house leaving Jack alone with the one Saxon he wished to avoid.

"It's so hot out. Why don't you play in your underwear?" Gwen asked as she gave Jack a long flirtatious look. Jack had nothing to say in response and Gwen just licked her lips at him. "Think about it. I'll make you a drink."

As Jack watched her saunter away, her hips swaying back and forth, he found himself desperately wishing that it was Ianto flirting with him, rather than his half-in-the-bag, predatory mother. _'Okay, new plan; get Ianto alone and stay far, far away from Gwen.' _

* * *

><p>In one of the Saxon's many bathrooms, John found himself sitting on the edge of the tub in some serious pain as Tosh tended to his wounds. He was very vocal about how much pain he is in. "Ah man! That stings!" John complains. Aside from the torn and bruised skin, he was afraid that he might have cracked a rib during the second tackle.<p>

"Ohhh, poor baby. Want me to… blow on it?" Tosh whispered seductively.

John gulped as his brain tried to figure out a way to put some distance between them but his body reacted to her suggestion. "It's fine." He hissed through clenched teeth but that did little good to stop Tosh as she suddenly straddled John's lap.

As neither of them had thought to close the bathroom door, they didn't notice the family butler, Owen, come to an abrupt halt in the hallway. He quietly snuck up next to the open door so he could enjoy the scene that was going on right in front of him.

"You know, I'm not wearing panties." Tosh purred as she shifted on John's lap.

Owen choked on nothing as he heard the shy Saxon child's admission. _'It's always the quite ones,' _he smirked. Knowing there would be hell to pay if anyone else caught Tosh and her man in such a compromising position, Owen took a few steps away from the door and cleared his throat. Frightened, Tosh jumped off of John's lap and busied herself putting the first aid kit back together. Owen's eyes narrowed as he looked at John; if he wasn't mistaken, John actually looked very relived at the interruption. "Oh, don't worry, Tosh. Mum's the word."

Tosh let out a relived sigh. "Thank you, Owen." Even John was a little grateful; no telling what old man Saxon might do if he found out John was dallying with his now-not-so-virginal daughter.

"A little more discretion though, okay?" That was Owen's parting advice as he shut the bathroom door and walked away; suddenly the weekend was looking up.

John was sure his heart was about ready to explode; he knew that if it had been anyone else who caught them like this he would be one dead man.

As if she could read his mind, Tosh told him, "Don't worry. He won't say anything. Now where were we? Oh, right, I'm not wearing panties." Tosh straddled John's lap again.

John could not believe how fast she had changed, and he didn't hesitate to tell her so. "It's like eight hours ago you were a shy virgin. Now you're not wearing any panties?" Something didn't seem right.

"You do that to me." Tosh purred in a purely sex kitten tone as she moved to kiss John again, only this time John was too quick for her and he moved her off his lap before their lips could connect.

"Tosh, look, I'm tired. It's been a long day. Not to mention your brother's boyfriend made a smoothie with my nards. I'm not exactly in the mood." And John wasn't lying. For once in his life he really wasn't.

Tosh, on the other hand was pissed off. "Fine." She snarled as she took a swab of the rubbing alcohol she had been using to treat his injuries and stabs at one of his wounds. John's cry of pain doesn't faze her as she hissed, "My father warned me about people like you! I'm just another notch on your belt!"

"No, no, it's not like that!" John quickly defended himself.

Tosh was getting very angry. "What's it like then, John?" she demanded and when John failed to answer her right away she took another load of medicine and continued her torture technique on another wound.

John let out a scream of pain even as he tried to think of something to calm her down. "It's like you're so damn precious that I would… feel like… I'm just using you if we took every opportunity to express our… love… in a physical way. It diminishes the poetry of this thing we have between us." John could only pray that his pretty words were enough to soothe her injured pride.

His attempt at an apology seemed to do its job as Tosh melted into his arms. "You're my knight in shining armour," she tells him in a dreamy voice.

"Cool. Good. Good." John decided he would rather deal with this Tosh then the scary one from moments ago. After all, he was only there for a few days, and it was a big house on a big island.

Tosh pulled back to tell him sweetly, "Don't ever leave me."

"Oh no. Never. Don't you worry…" John's voice trailed off as he wondered what would happen when he did leave her.

"Good. Because I'll find you." There was a clear warning in Tosh's voice and John began to freak out on the inside. He was thankful when Tosh finished taking care of his wounds and they were free to leave the bathroom. Of course it was just his luck they would have to run into Tosh's father the moment they stepped into the hallway.

"Get him all patched up, Cherry Blossom?" Harold asked his daughter. His sharp eyes didn't miss the way she hung onto John's arm.

"I sure did, Daddy." Tosh told him, happily snuggling up against John.

Harold smiles fondly at his daughter. "Well, you go change for dinner." Tosh smiled at them and pecked John on the cheek before walking away. Harold waited until she was out of sight before speaking again, "You seem to really make her happy, son."

John is caught off guard by this. "Oh, well… yeah, I hope so, sir." He really hoped that was the right answer.

"I can only hope you treat her honourably. You know, she's not just another notch in the old belt." A distinct warning tone crept into Saxon's voice.

"Oh no, no. Of course not, sir." John prayed that Harold couldn't tell he was lying.

Saxon nodded at this. "Good, good. Because that would make me very angry in ways you cannot possibly imagine. And I am a very powerful man." He finished off his speech in a very serious voice.

John gulped; he was in deep trouble. "Right… yes, sir."

Saxon smiled a purely shark-like smile, glad to see his warning was received. "Still, I wish we could get her off that mood medication. Oh well, see you downstairs for dinner."

As Saxon walked away, John can only stare off into space, horrified at what he had just learned.

TBC…


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

Jack and John met near the entrance to the dining room and Jack was nauseated to see Grey holding court. He leaned in and whispered to John, "Do you have the Visine?"

John's eyes widened at his friend's request. "No! Not the visine! It's too early!" John hissed back, not even able to believe his friend was asking such a thing.

Jack was not going to be denied. "I need the Visine, god damn it! Give it to me!"

John shook his head. "You know the rules. Visine is a last resort. Visine's a fucking felony!" John needed his friend to see sense.

"I can't get any alone time with Ianto. That guy won't leave Ianto's side. I need the Visine, I really do. Please?" Jack pleaded his case.

John still wasn't convinced. "The Visine's fucking hard-core. A few drops in his drink and he'll spend the next twenty-hours going down on the toilet seat, puking his guts out."

Just as John was sure he'd managed to change Jack's mind, the sound of Grey's pompous voice reached their ears. He was bragging to a rapt group of guests about saving a baby otter from an oil spill. That was all it took for John to change his mind; he couldn't think of a better candidate to drive the porcelain bus. "Okay, here's the Visine." John reached into his pocket and handed Jack a small bottle. Jack takes it and slipped it pocket as they entered the dining room.

"Here they are!" Harold greeted them warmly and motioned to the table. "Sit anywhere you like, we're not formal here on the Vineyard." To John's utter dismay the only seats open was next to Tosh, as Jack had immediately taken the seat next to Ianto. Having no other choice, John slipped into the seat beside her and glared at Jack, who was now on his other side. Jack was oblivious to his friend's discomfort; all he could think about how close he was now to Ianto.

Father Rhys, who was one of the guests, stood and began to lead them all in prayer. As everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes, Jack quickly put a tiny squirt of Visine into Grey's wine. Once the prayer was over, Owen walked over with a platter and set it on the table in front of his boss.

"Oh, these scallops look fantastic!" Harold was practically drooling over them.

Grey proudly informed them, "I brought them from an _organic_ scallop farm."

John looked pointedly at Grey. "I bet they're tasty. Maybe I'll try them when my jaw heals." Outwardly, he was calm, but on the inside, he was seething with anger at the egotistical bastard.

"Again, I'm sorry, John. It's that damn competitive streak," Grey admitted. "I'm seeing a Buddhist about it." He made it sound as though that were the answer to all the world's problems.

"And not just any Buddhist, either. He's being advised by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. He's a close family friend." Harold's bragging was almost as bad as Grey's.

"Really? I'm seeing an orthopaedist when I get back to town. Not just any orthopaedist, either. Dr. Epstein…" John's snarky comment was cut off sharply when Jack kicked him under the table.

"Enough, okay?" Jack whispered to John before addressing Grey. "Never mind him, he's just fooling around. So how long have you and Ianto been together, Grey?"

"Um…I don't know." Shrugging dismissively Grey asked turning to his boyfriend. "What's it been, Ianto? A couple of years?" he asked, his tone bored.

Ianto wasn't at all surprised that Grey didn't remember how long they had been dating. "Three and a half years, actually. We started dating while we were doing that Habitat for Humanity project." Ianto spoke to both Jack and John, but his eyes remained on Jack.

"Anyway, Jack, tell me again how you're connected to the family?" Grey asked, sensing that there was something off.

"Uncle James' kids," Jack answered quickly.

John spoke up also. "You know Uncle James? The brother of Aunt Diane?" Both he and Jack made the sign of the cross. Grey eyed the two men suspiciously; he was not at all convinced by their story.

While all this is going on Tosh reached her hand under the table and grabbed John's crotch. John choked on his drink as his eyes flew wide open; he tried to push her away but Tosh was not going to be denied, and unseen by anyone, she began to give John a hand job.

Harold sipped his drink, another daiquiri, and informed the table. "Jack and his brother here are venture capitalists."

"That's right!" John's voice came out at a higher pitch than normal. Jack looked at him strangely, wondering what was wrong, and then by chance he glanced down. Hoping against all hope that no one else would see what he could see, Jack stared in shock at what the seemingly innocent Tosh was doing at the dinner table.

"I think it's great. Venture capitalists. The backbone of the system. The new pioneer." Harold boasted. "Not for the weak of heart, takes a real man."

"So is it just about the money?" Ianto does not look impressed and Grey quickly feigns disgust.

"Oh… no, no! Not at all. It's about, you know, investing in projects that are both ethically and morally defensible." There was no way Jack was going to let Ianto think all he cared about was money.

"Like what, for example?" Grey asks.

Jack said a silent prayer as he began making stuff up off the top of his head. "Like what? Oh, you know, we've got company that, uh, takes the wool from sheep and uh, turns it into thread for the homeless people to sew… into cloth and then make, you know, shirts and pants to sell at a profit. Everybody wins."

Ianto smiles at Jack, impressed. "Cool." He was delighted to hear that Jack wasn't a money-hungry bastard.

"Mmm. Homeless sewing. What's it called?" Grey was not blind to the looks passing between his boyfriend and Jack, and he'd be dammed if he'd let the last three years be wasted. Being a part of the Harold Saxon world had opened doors for him that he'd never dreamed of, and he wasn't done taking advantage of those connections.

John, who was nearing his climax, hadn't paid the least bit attention to what was going on around him, and he'd even had kind of forgotten where he was. Just as Grey asked his question, John's orgasm hit and he let out a high pitched, "Holy sh…"

Realising what just happen, Jack quickly cuts him off. "Holy Shirts and Pants." The group nods approvingly. Gwen licked her lips as she began undressing Jack with her eyes. Jack was horrified and wished there was a place he could hide.

Grey suddenly reached down and clutched at his stomach. "I don't feel so good," he mumbled.

No one seemed to hear him as Harold was more focused on Jack, and what Harold paid attention to, so did the rest of the group. "That's a hell of a good project. Let me mention something to some of my friends," he offers. "See what we can do to help."

"Great, great." Jack had no idea what he was going to do when Harold Saxon learned he'd been lied to.

"Isn't my Harold doing a wonderful job?" Sylvia spoke for the first time since they'd sat down.

"Oh yes, Ma'am." Jack agreed smiling at the woman. "Wonderful."

"Oh mummy…" Harold shook his head fondly.

"He still calls his mother 'Mummy,' at his age! Isn't that cute?" Gwen stated sarcastically as she took along drink of her wine; she finished it and before the glass could hit the table, Owen was at her side with a refill. She immediately slammed that down as well and motioned for another.

Sylvia completely ignored Gwen as she reached out and pinched her son's cheeks. "The Prime Minister is so proud of my Harold. You know my Harold's predecessor was a Jew."

John spit out the gulp of water he had just taken when he heard that.

"Mummy, let's not go there. Saul Rothstein was a good man." Harold spoke in a fondly admonishing tone; wouldn't do for anyone to know he agreed with her.

"Maybe so. For a Jew," Sylvia grumbled.

Ianto was horrified. "Grandma, you can't talk that way. You can't _feel_ that way. It's not right!"

Harold addressed the table. "Mummy's a little old-fashioned."

"Yeah. Like Hitler was crazy." Jack whispered to John.

Sylvia didn't seem to care. "What did you say his name was again, Harold? Hymie Bergstein? I always forget his name. But my God, did he have a nose on him."

"Grandma!" Ianto could not believe what his grandma is saying.

"Ma'am, I have to tell you I happen to have a lot of very good friends who are Jewish. As does my brother." Jack spoke up not able to stand to listen to this woman for a second longer.

"Really?" Sylvia had a how-dare-you kind of tone.

"Yes. Really." Jack replied seriously.

Ianto smiled at Jack. "Thank you. Finally someone speaks up." He was tired of being the only one to go up against his grandmother and disagree with her narrow-minded beliefs.

"Of course. We all have Jewish friends! Nothing wrong with that, Mummy." Harold sided with his son and Jack. The last thing his political career needed was a hint of anti-Semitism.

Sylvia was really quite put out by her son's statement. "Well I guess you have to now, especially if you're doing anything in finance. They own all of that. Can somebody bring me another sherry?" She demanded with an imperious wave of her hand.

Owen, used to Sylvia's behaviour, is ready for the call and pours her another drink. She downs it while holding onto his sleeve, leaving him no choice but to pour her another.

Grey was clutching his stomach as he turned green. "I've gotta go." He stood up on wobbly legs.

Ianto's eyes were full of concern as he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Gotta… go..." Grey bolted from the table and only Ianto's quick hand prevented his chair from crashing to the floor.

"Oh dear. Hope he's okay." Harold murmured.

"Well, there _is_ a lot of flu going around." Jack fought back a smile as he passed a platter to Andy.

"Oh, I don't eat meat or fish." Andy explained as he in turn passed the food down.

Without missing a beat Sylvia informed everyone, "He's a homo, just like his brother."

"Grandma!" Ianto was fine with her picking on him about his life choices, she'd been doing it since he was fifteen, but Andy couldn't take her cruel words. Despite being several years older than Ianto, he'd only just come out to his family a short time ago.

"What?" Sylvia shrugged and emptied her sherry glass again. "You can't help it. They say it's genetic." She tilted her head indicating Gwen, "From her side of the family."

Andy's head sank and John reached around Tosh to give him a sympathetic pat on the back. Andy looked up at John lovingly, clearly smitten, and neither of them notice the glare Owen is sending John.

"Andy's an amazing painter. He's going to the top art school." Ianto bragged, changing the subject.

"Wow. That's very impressive." Jack was being honest. "I'd love to see some of your work some time."

"Dad used to think Ianto and I were a political liability, you know, in case he ever ran for Prime Minister." Andy told them, bitterness lacing his voice.

"Well, actually, truth be told, polling shows a majority of the British people would ultimately empathize with our situation," Harold admitted.

"What _is_ our situation, Dad?" Andy asked bitterly.

"You and your brother are homos." Sylvia spoke up. "Didn't I just say that?" She blinked at her empty sherry glass and then looked around for Owen.

"Oh, for Chris sakes, Harold! Put your mummy to bed already!" Gwen shouted at her husband and then drained her wine glass in a single drop.

"Okay. Come on, Mummy, we've had a long day." Harold motioned for Owen to come and help Sylvia up.

The old woman waited until Owen had helped her to her feet, and then she pulled away from Owen. "I can do it myself, asshole," and with those words, a clearly drunk Sylvia shuffles off. They could still hear her mumbling to herself, although her words were no longer completely clear.

Andy, who is thoroughly pissed off, got to his feet. "I'll be in my room. Painting… homo things."

"You go right ahead, Andy." Gwen smiled indulgently at her son.

Using the commotion caused by Sylvia and Andy's departure to his advantage, Jack took the opportunity to talk to Ianto. "So maybe after dinner we could take a walk?" he asked hopefully.

"How about now? I can't take this anymore. They're driving me crazy!" Ianto jumped at the chance to get away from the mad house.

"Great! Let me just change my shoes." Jack smiled brightly at Ianto.

"I'll be outside waiting. Hurry up." Ianto smiled back at Jack before he made his exit. Jack took the time to wink at John before excusing himself from the table and hurrying out of the dining room.

TBC…


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 9**

In his guest room Jack was quickly changing his shoes when he heard the door open and close. Expecting to see John, Jack looked up and was shocked to find a topless Gwen bearing down on him.

"I just got my tits done," Gwen tells him. "Do you like them?" She shimmied her shoulders, but the fake breast didn't really move.

Jack truly had no idea what to say. "Uh, yes. Those… are great… umm … tits."

Gwen pouted at him. "Harold doesn't appreciate my tits." She turned this way and that, giving him a full view of her chest.

"Well, darn him, Mrs Saxon, I don't think..." Jack was interrupted by Gwen.

"Call me Gwen." The older woman lowered her voice seductively, positive that she had won.

Jack swallowed hard. "Okay, Gwen, I don't think that this is appropriate."

Gwen walked towards the still seated Jack and thrust her boobs into his face, ordering, "Feel them."

Jack was utterly shocked and more than a little turned off. "What?"

"I said feel them."

Jack shook his head. "Gwen, are you out of your fucking mind?" He snapped at her.

"I'm not letting you leave this room until you feel them." Gwen informed him.

Jack rolled his eyes, knowing he has no other choice; Ianto is waiting for him so he reaches up and touches them. "They're very nice. Okay? You happy now?" He struggled to keep the distaste from his voice. He had nothing against a woman's breast; in fact he thought breasts were beautiful, but having his hostess try to shove them down his throat was crossing a line Jack didn't even know he had until that moment.

Gwen moaned deeply before grabbing her blouse and buttoning it up. "We _will_ be lovers before this weekend is up." She vowed before stalking haughtily from Jack's room.

'_The only person I'll be lovers with here is Ianto.' _Jack vowed.

He took a few moments to wash Gwen off his hands and get over what had just happened before heading out. Just as he passed Andy's room, the painter calls out to him. "Mom made you feel her tits, didn't she?" It was actually more of a statement than a question.

Jack stopped dead in his tracks and backed up. "What? No!"

Andy shrugs his shoulders. "It's okay. I can tell; you have that 'mom made me feel her tits' look on your face. Don't worry about it. She usually picks one male guest a weekend to sexually harass," he told Jack who grimaced. "Don't say anything to Dad, though. Some friend of my sibling's said something to Dad a couple of years ago and now he lives in Paraguay. And not by choice." Andy warned him.

"Good to know." Jack was thankful for the advice and knew there was no way he was ever going to say anything to Harold Saxon.

Andy's, "No problem," was lost on him as he rushed down the hallway and with a barely muffled curse he runs into John.

"What's wrong?" John asked.

"Nothing! I'm just trying to get to outside to meet Ianto." Jack was getting frustrated.

"You've got a weird look on your face." John pointed out.

"It's nothing. Look, I've got to get going or I'm going to miss Ianto." Jack refused to get into it what had just happen with Gwen and brushed past his friend.

John just shook his head and watched him go before turning on his heel and heading for his room. When he switched on the lamp, he was shocked to find Sylvia sleeping in his bed. Moving forward he gentle nudged her; slowly opening her eye, she saw him looking at her and she screamed shrilly, causing John to scream back.

"What do you want?" Sylvia demanded, clutching the duvet under her chin.

"You're in my room." John points out to her gently.

"I am?" Confused, Sylvia looks around and notices that she is indeed in the wrong room. "Oh dear, I am. Too much sherry, I think; can you carry me to my room?"

"What?" John blinked at the unexpected request.

"I think I'm too drunk to walk," she admitted, feeling a little foolish.

"Okay, sure." John quickly agrees; he just wants his room back so he can go to sleep and get the night over with.

* * *

><p>Jack finally managed to get outside, and he smiled the moment Ianto met him at the bottom of the stairs.<p>

"What took you so long?" Ianto asked once Jack reached his side; he'd been worried that Jack had changed his mind about their walk. He wasn't sure why it was so important to him to spend time alone with Jack; after all, he did have a boyfriend.

"I'm sorry. I got held up." Jack apologized; he was so grateful that Ianto was still waiting for him.

"Strange family, huh?" Ianto started the conversation.

"Yeah, a little." Jack couldn't remember ever meeting a family quite like the Saxons. "So, where should we go?" He hoped Ianto would suggest somewhere secluded; Jack desperately wanted to be alone with the gorgeous Welshman.

Harold chose that moment to poke his head out the front door. "Ianto, Grey is asking for you."

Ianto looked at Jack, reading something in his eyes, before turning back to his father. "Could you tell him I'm busy?" Ianto knew it was kind of cold but he really wanted to spend some time with Jack.

"He's in pretty bad shape." Harold told his son.

"All right, I'm coming." Ianto muttered grudgingly before turning his attention to Jack. "Sorry, Jack. Maybe we can find time tomorrow."

Jack forced a smile on his face. "Yeah, sure, tomorrow then." Ianto smiles weakly before heading back inside. "Hey, Ianto, help him get better soon. I saw some otters earlier and they were frowning."

That bit of silliness brought a true smile to Ianto's face. "Be nice." The smile and amusement in his voice ruined any attempt his words being a warning. Jack watched sadly as Ianto walked away to play the dutiful boyfriend at Grey's side.

Harold stuck his head back out the door. "Jack, my boy. Brandies? Den?" he offered.

"Yeah, great, I'll be right in." Jack waited until Harold was back in the house before letting loose a string of curses for missing out on his time with Ianto. "The universe hates me, I just know it," he muttered morosely as he headed back inside.

* * *

><p>Night fell on the Saxon compound, and no one was having an easy time falling asleep.<p>

John tossed and turned, his sore body refusing to find a comfortable spot in which to rest.

Grey had taken up residency in his bathroom for the night.

Ianto and Jack, in their separate bedroom, were lying in their lonely, empty beds, wide awake and just staring at the ceiling; they were each wondering what the other was thinking or dreaming about.

John, who finally managed to find a position that hurt the least and had fallen asleep, was awakened abruptly by someone climbing onto his bed and then straddling his body. "Hey!" John cried out in surprise, a sound which quickly turned into a loud groan when he saw that it was Tosh who had entered his room. "What are you doing?" John demanded to know even though it was quite obvious she was tying his right arm to the bedpost.

"Listen, I know what you were saying before and I started thinking that maybe I'm not being exciting and adventurous enough for you." Tosh explained in all earnestness as she tied his other arm to the bedpost.

'Tosh…" Whatever John was going to say was cut off by Tosh placing her finger across his lips.

"Sssh. You'll wake everybody. I'm going to make all your fantasies come true," she whispered seductively as she pulled her nightgown off and tossed it to the floor behind her.

"But…" he was cut off when Tosh stuffed a sock into his mouth. John continued to protest in a muffled voice, "This is not my fantasy!"

Tosh just smiled sweetly at him as she revealed a roll of duct tape and taped his mouth close. "I love you," she whispered.

* * *

><p>Jack had given up on an attempt to sleep and had decided to take a walk down the hallway. He found himself standing outside of Ianto's door and he stayed very still for a moment, listening to see if Ianto was awake. He had no idea that Ianto was, indeed, wide awake, but after a few minutes of hearing nothing Jack sighed and turned away.<p>

Half an hour later Ianto was taking his own walk down the hall and he finds himself at Jack's door and like Jack, he listened for any sign that Jack might be awake. Hearing no sound of movement, Ianto bit his lip and sadly returned to his own room, not knowing that Jack was wake and sitting by the open window, staring up at the night sky.

* * *

><p>John was finally sound asleep when hand began to gently stroke his forehead. "Tosh… you have to go back to your room." He mumbled half-asleep.<p>

"I'm not Tosh." Andy's voice came out of the shadows.

John's eyes shot open in surprise, only to slam shut. "This is not happening," he mumbled under his breath.

"We had a lovely little moment between us at the dinner table, didn't we?" Andy wondered out loud.

John's eyes shot open again. "What are you talking about? There was no moment." John points out.

"Oh yeah, we had a moment." Andy would not be swayed. "I looked at you, you looked at me…"

"I was sitting right there. I think I would have noticed a moment." John was exhausted; between the football fiasco, and Tosh's over-active libido, all he wanted to do was get some sleep.

"I made you a painting." Andy changed the subject as he picked up the flashlight he brought with him and pointed it at the painting on John's dresser. John could only blink as he looked at the surreal red mass blotched onto the canvas. "I call it _'Tortured Scrotum.' _It's sexual and violent. Sort of a self-portrait. I thought you'd like it."

John looked into Andy's hopeful eyes; he found that he just couldn't hurt the man's feelings. "Wow that's, uh, something. Thank you, so much."

"Oh, you're more than welcome." Andy whispered as he kissed John on the forehead, his lips feather-light.

"Say listen, Andy. I haven't gotten much gosh-darn sleep tonight and hey, why don't we talk tomorrow?" John offered; he just wanted to get the man out of his room so he could get some sleep.

"Promise you'll make time for me?" Andy pouted sweetly at John.

"Cross my heart." John promised. "How about coffee in the morning?"

"Okay…Good night, fair prince, pleasant dreams." Andy kissed his fingers and pressed them against John's lips before taking his leave.

John sighed and plopped his head back onto his pillow. "Lord! How much more of this can I take?" His last thought, as he fell asleep for the third time that night was how he would make Jack suffer for dragging him to this island hellhole.

TBC…


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 10**

The next morning Jack was sitting in a sun-drenched breakfast room, eating some bacon, drinking coffee, and reading the local newspaper when John stumbled through the door. Almost immediately, a petite older woman appeared from the kitchen and handed him a nice hot cup of steaming hot coffee. One sip later, and John had fallen madly in love with the cook who had created heaven in a cup.

"You know they'll make you anything you want here. Waffles, bacon, whatever." Jack told his friend.

"Oh, that's swell, Jack," John muttered under his breath as he fell heavily into the nearest chair.

"What's your problem?" Jack asked, raising an eyebrow at his friend.

John was livid. "What's my problem? Oh, I didn't sleep too well."

Jack tilted his head. "Why not? My bed was great."

"Well, besides the bone-crushing pain and the midnight bondage, there was the nude art show at four a.m." Barely controlled rage laced John's every word.

It quickly came clear to John that Jack, the root of all of last night's problems, wasn't paying any attention to him when the only response he got to his announcement was, "Have some toast."

"I'm too traumatized for toast!" John cried in despair before snagging a piece of buttered toast off of Jack's plate. "Look, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible: if we don't get the fuck out of here, _right_ now, I'm going to kill you." He savagely bit off a hunk of toast.

Despite knowing how serious his friend was Jack just shook his head. "Can't do it."

Toast crumbs spewed across the table as John sputtered, "Why not?" John couldn't believe that even after all the pain and suffering he had been through, Jack still wasn't giving up.

"I need another day," Jack calmly informed his friend.

"For what? He's got a bloody boyfriend, Jack, and his own mental hospital here to entertain him!" John could no longer be bothered to keep his voice low.

"Sssh! Keep it down!" Jack hissed at his friend. "I think Ianto is into me. Plus, the boyfriend is a complete tool."

"Okay. We both think the boyfriend's a tool. Maybe the whole world thinks the boyfriend is a tool. But if _he_ doesn't think the boyfriend's a tool, then the game's over." John felt compelled to point out the obvious.

"The game is _never_ over," Jack denied.

John shook his head sadly. "Jack, the rules are really very clear about partners and…" Whatever John was going to say was cut off by Jack slamming his coffee cup onto the table.

"Will you stop it with the rules, already? Fuck the rules!" Jack declared vehemently.

John reared back in shock and hurt. "_Fuck the rules_? How can you say that? You're a very insensitive man."

Jack knew he had just hurt John but this was important to him. "This isn't about the rules, okay? This is about love!" He shocked both of them into silence with his words.

Recovering his wits first John squeaked, "Love?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing, in all the years he'd known Jack, he'd never heard those words come out of his mouth. After taking a deep breath he continued, "Well… okay. The rules do in fact make provisions for what we delude ourselves into thinking is love." He tried to humour his friend, who was clearly losing his mind.

"It is love!" Jack countered.

"Oh, come on! How can it be love? You've known him for a day and you've barely said three words to each other." John wanted Jack to see just how insane he was sounding.

"I don't know, John. I can't explain it." Jack was exasperated, with John, with the situation, and with himself. "Chemical? Fate? I don't know. I just don't know. I just know!" He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that what he was feeling for Ianto was real.

John stared at his friend before shaking his head. "Fine. I understand but I'm outta here. Good luck." He was through with Jack's idiocy, through with being used as Grey's punching bag, and through with the crazy sexual habits of the entire Saxon clan.

As he began to stand Jack grabbed John's arm and pulled him back into his seat. "No, no, no! You can't leave!"

John glared at Jack. "Why not?" He wanted to get away from this mad house and fast, before something worse happened to him.

"Because that'll create a huge shit storm with Tosh!" Jack pointed out to his friend.

"I don't give a baker's fuck! I had my own sweat sock duct-taped into my mouth last night!" At Jack's comical look of confusion John just shook his head. "Long story."

"I need you to help me. Remind me what do the rules say about abandonment?" Jack reminded his friend.

Grudgingly John spoke the rule Jack was talking about, "Never leave a fellow crasher stranded. Wedding crashers always take care of their own."

"That's right." Jack said with a big smile; he knew he'd won.

"I hate you." John pouted at his friend.

"Have some more toast." Jack offered John his plate.

John's pout grew. "I wanna waffle."

"Good! That's good." Jack knew if John was asking for a waffle he was staying put. "Can we get this man a waffle?" He called out to the cook, before smiling and slapping John on the shoulder. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."

While Jack was convincing John to stay around, Grey is in his room contacting his friend Vinnie to run background checks on Jack and John. He didn't like Ianto's interest in Jack; it was fine for him to have weekend hook-ups, but Ianto had to remain faithful to him. Nothing else was acceptable.

'_I've put too much work into this good-guy act to lose Ianto to this Jack punk.' _Grey thought viciously as he told Vinnie all he knew about Jack and John.

* * *

><p>Later that morning John and Jack boarded the Saxon family sailboat, <em>The Myfanwy<em>. Harold, Gwen, Ianto, Tosh are already onboard along with a few other guests. Jack was very pleased to see that Grey was not among them.

"Where's Grey?" Harold questioned Ianto.

"I don't know." Ianto answers indifferently, he is after all, only Grey's boyfriend not his keeper.

"Poor guy's probably still not feeling well. That flu usually last a few days." Jack wanted to get underway before Grey got there.

"Well, then, _The Myfanwy _hoists her anchor without him." Harold's announcement made Jack a very happy man.

Of course, that happiness didn't last long as Jack spotted Grey running out of the house with a cry of, "Wait! I'm coming!"

"Oh good, here he comes." Jack plastered a fake cheery smile on his face before whispering angrily to John, "How old was that Visine?" He smiled at Grey when the other man glared at him as he joined them on the boat.

They were out on the ocean, it was a clear day with a stead wind, and Harold - between daiquiris, of course – and his crew kept _The Myfanwy _on a stead course. Jack was finding it hard not to glare and growl as Grey kept his arms wrapped tightly around Ianto. On the other hand, it amused the crap out of him to see Tosh doing the same to John.

"Are you all right? Maybe you should go in the cabin and lie down." Ianto suggested when he noticed that Grey still looked a little green around the gills.

Grey shook his head stubbornly; there was no way he was going to leave Ianto alone with Jack. "No, I'll be fine. So, Jack, where'd you guys say you're from?" He turned his attention to Jack.

"I didn't. But we're from Cardiff." Jack wondered where Grey was going with this.

"Great town," Grey commented. "A friend of mine just moved to Cardiff. He loves that place; maybe you know him, Eugene Jones?"

Jack shook his head. "Sorry. Big city with a small town heart is still a big city."

Ianto took that chance to ask. "Anyone want a beer?"

As Grey shook his head no, Jack smiled at Ianto. "Sure I'll take one." Ianto smiled back at Jack before having to almost force himself free of Grey's grip and heading for the cabin.

Clenching his fists to stop from grapping Ianto, Grey continued to push Jack's story. "You sure you don't know Eugene? He's the big guy with Chase up there. Surely in your line of work, you've come across each other." Grey was really having to fight the urge to vomit over the railing, the longer he was at sea, the sicker he was getting was from the rolling waves.

Grey's intense discomfort did not go unnoticed by Jack and a devious plan began to form. "Hey, you know, my buddy Rex's with Chase. I bet he knows your guy. Too bad Rex's not here. You'd love him. Of course, you'll never catch Rex on a boat ever again. We went out on a boat this one time and you should have seen how sea-sick he got. I mean, green and bilious as the day as long. I'm telling you, he was a mess." Jack risked a glance at Grey; he was even paler than before and Jack could definitely sees a slight tremor in his hands.

"We'd all eaten a just bunch of lobster rolls and you know Rex likes his just _slathered_ in mayonnaise, I mean just _dripping _with it. Me, I don't like it that way; makes the bread all soggy, and leaves your mouth and tongue feeling all slimy, you know? He ate, like, three of these things so fast I don't think he chewed the first one at all!" At this point Grey was beginning to turn green and Jack couldn't help but smirk internally.

"And he washed it all down with a couple of beers and then a huge strawberry milkshake for dessert, and then a whole bunch of corn chips. You guys ever _smell _corn chips that have been left out in the sun? They get this strong, sort of greasy smell, not my cup of tea, but Rex loved 'em! Just scarfed 'em down by the handful. Great guy but he eats like a sea otter." There was a small strangled cry from Grey, and Jack knew the battle was over. Time for the kill shot.

"Anyway, we got underway, and the seas were kinda rough that day cos there was gonna be a storm later, and I'll bet we're not out five minutes before this guy blows like Krakatowa! I mean, it's everywhere! It was like reliving the whole lunch. Man, it went all over Rex; it even came out his _nose! _Now _that _was just gross!" Jack laughed, ostensibly at poor Rex, but actually he was just enjoying making Grey miserable.

"He managed to spray the floor and the walls with chunks of half-chewed lobster roll, and there were bits of corn chips on the table, and it just really stank putrid, and everything was coated with pink from the strawbe…" Jack didn't finish his lurid description before he was rewarded with a very green-looking Grey who clapped his hand tightly over his bout and bolted the railing. He shoved right past Ianto without a single glance.

Ianto reached Jack's side and Jack smiled at him. "Poor guy. He should've stayed home." Jack told Ianto sympathetically as he accepted the bottle of beer from Ianto.

"Being out in the ocean. It makes you realize how insignificant you really are, huh?" Ianto stated as they looked out across the sparkling water.

"Yeah, I guess we are." Jack agreed. He was so thrilled to finally be alone with Ianto that he'd agreed to jump overboard if it made Ianto happy.

A mischievous look entered Ianto's eyes as he smiled at Jack. "No, no. I mean you."

Jack mock glared at Ianto. "Very funny."

"Actually, that's why I hate the ocean." Ianto told Jack.

"Me too! I hate anything that comes on like it's bigger than me." Jack admitted to the handsome Welshman.

Ianto nodded his head. "Exactly. The ocean has an attitude and I don't like it." His voice changed to take on a mocking tone. "I'm the ocean. I'm so vast and eternal and you're so small and not eternal."

Jack nodded with a serious look on his face. "Which is a very nasty attitude. You know what else has a nasty attitude? The stars." He added his own thoughts.

"I know. They're rude! And the mountains." Ianto laughed.

"Oh, don't get me started on the mountains." Jack said with his own laugh. Their eyes met and something deep and real flickered between them.

Jack was not used to feeling so open and honest with anyone, and he quickly continued their game. "You know what I do like? Tide pools. No attitude with tide pools."

In the years to come, Ianto will swears he had no idea where what he said next came from; he'll vow that the words just sprang from his heart and never went near his brain. "There are some amazing tide pools on the other side of the island. We could bike over there this afternoon, if you like."

Suddenly feeling weak in the knees, Jack found the blush that covered Ianto's cheeks made the Welshman all the more beautiful in his eyes. "I'd like that. It's a date." He had never felt so happy before.

Saxon naturally chose that moment to show up with an empty glass in hand. "Jack, my daiquiri's swimming in the shallow end. Take the helm."

"Sure. No problem, sir." Jack lied right through his teeth.

Harold patted him on the shoulder. "Just start tacking back." He instructed.

Jack has no clue as to what the hell he was supposed to do, and he shot a panicked look at John who just shrugged. The look on John's face clearly said, 'Don't look at me; this is all your fault.' After taking the time to glare at his unhelpful friend Jack smiled at Harold. "Of course, sir. Tacking back. I was gonna tacking back. Excellent choice, the tacking back." John wanted to groan at how hopelessly incompetent his friend sounded.

Harold just smiled at Jack's silliness, let go of the helm and started for the hatch to below-decks. Jack quickly grabbed the wheel, hoping that he at least _looked_ like he knew what he was doing.

Out of the blue, Gwen sauntered up behind Jack and grabbed his mast.

"Tacking!" Jack shouted and turned the wheel a little too vigorously. The boat reacted instantaneously and pitches into her turn, sending the main sail flying around and smacking into John, who went flying into the ocean with a startled yelp.

"John!" Tosh cried out, as she jumped over the railing to rescue her love. Although her intentions were good, in her attempts to rescue John she was so overwrought that she kept dunking him back under the water, leaving John desperately for air.

After they fish John and Tosh out of the ocean, Harold, with a full cocktail glass in hand, reclaims the helm, they managed to return to the island without further mishap. Jack watched as Tosh escorted John off the boat he pulled Ianto to the side. "What do you say we hit those tide pools?"

Ianto smiled happily at Jack. "Sounds great. The bikes are in the shed by the garden." Unfortunately their plans were once again derailed, this time by Owen, who approached the groups with several shotguns broken over his arm, which he handed out to various guests, including John and Jack.

"Everything's ready for the quail hunt, sir. There's a jeep waiting to take you the marsh." Owen informed Harold.

"Wonderful, Owen." Harold beamed at the other man.

Jack wanted curse at the top of his lungs; he could not _believe_ his luck. "Uh, maybe I'll sit this one out."

"Yeah, I think we'll sit this one out." John finally spoke up. He was soaked to the skin, his teeth were chattering, and he was pretty sure that the frigid water of the ocean had made his balls withdraw so far up his body that he'd never see them again. The _only _thing he wanted to do was take a long, hot shower and crawl into bed.

"Nonsense! I insist. It's a Saxon family tradition." Harold wouldn't take no for an answer.

"I'm afraid you're stuck, Jack. We'll check out the tide pools later." Ianto sounded truly disappointed, which did not go unnoticed by Grey, who scowled viciously.

Harold turned his attention to Grey. "If you're too sick…" He never got to finish as Grey grabbed a shotgun from Owen.

"Oh, no. Ha ha. I'm going. Oh, trust me, I'm going." Grey sounded determined and a little crazy.

John was actually a little surprised to hear that Grey hunted. "You hunt? Really?"

"I hunt quail. They've overpopulated the island. They're decimating the grub worm population. Got a problem with that?" Grey demanded, looking very scary as he waved his shotgun in the air. John could only thank god that it was clearly unloaded.

John raised his hands and took a step back from the man. "Hey, it's all good."

Despite the fact that they would rather have been anywhere else, Jack and John found themselves on the quail hunt with the rest of the men who had come to the island. On the walk from the jeep to the designated hunting ground, John stopped and pulled Jack to the side. "Have you ever shot one of these things before?" he whispered to his friend after making sure no one could overhear them.

"Oh you bet. The whole fifteen years we've known each other? Well, I've been sneaking out to shoot at small birds. Of course I've never shot one of these damn things!" Jack snapped at his friend.

"What are we gonna do? I don't want to kill a quail. It's bad karma." John actually looked quite upset at the idea of killing an innocent creature.

Jack just stared at his friend. "You lie to young men and women to get them in your bed but you won't shoot a little bird?" He just wanted to make sure he got it right.

"Right." John confirmed.

"Yeah, me too," Jack admitted. "But look, just aim to miss." Jack suggested to his friend. "That's what I'm gonna do."

Suddenly Harold stopped and pointed. "There. Off to the left." At this everyone took aim and fired. John and Jack fumbled to get their guns in a shooting position when the guns suddenly discharge before they're quite ready; they're sent flying five feet backwards to land on their asses.

Rubbing his shoulder, John commented, "I thought the rifle just fired buckshot."

"Yeah. Well, this is a shotgun, it uses fucking lead pellets. It's not a sling-shot." Jack snapped at his friend. He'd landed on a sharp stone and there was an intense pain in his left buttock.

It was Grey's turn to suddenly stop and point. "There, over by the spruce trees." As everyone turned to where Grey pointed, Grey deliberately trained his gun on Jack. Not knowing the danger his friend is in John took aim at the tree tops and fired. Once again he was sent reeling, only this time he fell into Jack, just as Grey took his shot.

"Son of a bitch!" John screamed in pain as he fell to the hard ground, reaching for his aching behind. When he pulled his hand away and saw the blood, he screamed again. "My ass! I've been fucking shot in the ass!"

Jack wasted no time in getting his wounded friend back to the Saxon home where Owen, with Tosh's weepy, drama-filled 'assistance' was able to remove the shot pellets with ease. When John tired to thank him, butler passed it off, saying, "Happens once a season around here."

"You okay, buddy?" Jack asked as he and Ianto poked their heads into John's bedroom.

Lying on his bed with his pillow under his hips and his naked and bloody buttocks in the air, John twisted around enough to level a glare at Jack that would have sent a greater man scurrying for the hills. There isn't a doubt in Jack's mind that once they got off the island and back home, he was a dead man. "Just fucking great!" John bellowed at him. "I love getting shot in the ass!"

Jack shook his head sympathetically before whispering to Ianto, "He's never been a silent sufferer," before turning back to John and informing him, "We're gonna take the bikes out for a ride. We'll catch you later."

"Yeah sure. You kids go and have a good time. I'll just be here getting the lead out of my heinie!" John snarled, completely losing his cool.

Jack beamed at his friend before exiting with Ianto, leaving a furious John behind with Tosh who took a quick grope and then pouted. "Aww, Mr Pogo isn't jumping."

"Well, sorry, but Mr Pogo gets stressed when Mr. John's bleeding to death, okay?" John snapped at her. 'Mr Pogo' – God, he hated that stupid nickname she'd given his manhood after their first encounter down on the beach.

TBC…


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 11**

Jack and Ianto were well on their way to the tide pools when Grey finally noticed that his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. After a fruitless search of the rest of the house, he entered the living room to find Owen there on the couch watching the telly. "Hey Owen?" He started only to get waved off by the other man.

"Shh. I'm watching my stories." Owen informed him while not taking his eyes of the show.

"I just need to know where Ianto is." Grey told him tersely.

"He and that fellow went for a bike ride to the tide pools."

Grey's jaw clenched as he exited the room; he was too blinded by a slow building rage to notice the self-satisfied smirk that spread across Owen's face.

After a leisurely ride across the island, during which the two men causally chatted like old friends, Jack and Ianto leaned their bikes against the trunk of a towering spruce when they reached the short bluff above the tide pools. When they get down the sand, Ianto dropped to the ground and took off his shoes and socks, which he rolled neatly and tucked down inside the shoes. Jack quickly followed suit, and then the two lay back and enjoyed a few minutes of soaking in the sun. The peace and quiet was broken only by the crash of waves against the nearby rocks and the raucous cries of the gulls overhead. To Jack, it was absolute heaven, and he would gladly have traded everything he owned to remain there forever, with Ianto.

Unbeknownst to them, back at the house Grey had found a spare bike and was struggling with its wobbly handlebars, broken seat and ungreased chain as he rode off in search of his boyfriend. Tosh happened to be looking out of John's bedroom window and she giggled as she watched him. His bicycle had originally belonged to Ianto's nanny; it was a woman's bike complete with the wicker basket on the front, and from her vantage point, he looked very much like the mean old lady from the beginning of Wizard of Oz. She watched him nearly crash into the rose bushes at the end of the drive before returning to John's bedside.

Jack and Ianto were goofing off and having a good time at the tide pools. They'd rolled up their trouser legs and had explored several tide pools, large and small, marvelling over the variety of life they contained. During their walk, they had been lucky enough to find several pieces of the sea glass, which Jack carefully tucked in his pocket as a souvenir of his afternoon with the man of his dreams. At one point, Ianto had captured a small crab and had chased Jack through the surf, waving it at him and laughing.

It took Grey nearly twice the time of their ride to get to the bluffs. He arrived just in time to find them at the end of a rather spirited water fight which ended with them in each other's arms. Jack and Ianto's eyes locked and suddenly, the rest of the world ceased to exist; there was only the two of them, their chests pressed together, the heat from their bodies, and the breath from their lips.

"So, would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?" Jack breathed out.

"Yes. A total cliché." Ianto agreed as he pulled Jack into a long, searing kiss that left them both trembling from its intensity and grasping for breath. For a few moments, unable to speak, they just held each other, leaning their foreheads together. Jack was in sheer heaven; he'd just shared his first soul-jarring kiss with the man of his dreams.

Ianto, on the other hand, was in turmoil. He had never cheated on Grey before, not even in his mind, even though after knowing him for less than two days, Jack had already touched Ianto in ways Grey would never understand after nearly three years. He really, really wanted to kiss Jack again but Ianto's inherent goodness brought with it a sense of guilt.

"Fuck!" Grey growled to himself before turning his bike around. _'I need to do something to get rid of Jack and to remind everyone that Ianto is mine and mine alone.' _

Reality of what he is doing hits Ianto and he broke away from the physical contact between them. "I can't do this, Jack. I'm sorry." He was not a cheater, he abhorred people who were, and no matter what feelings Jack may have stirred in him, Ianto was in a committed relationship with Grey. He just didn't have it in him to betray his boyfriend.

Jack's heart shattered as he watched Ianto hurry back up to the bluff, shove his feet back into his shoes, get on his bike and ride away from him, never once looking back. Unable to deal with just happened, Jack fell to his knees in the sand and stared out across the waves, ignoring the hot tears that burned behind his eyes.

It is not until dinner hour later that Jack managed to lay eyes on Ianto again, only for the other man to avoid all eye contact with him. In fact, Ianto seemed to go out of his way to avoid even standing near him.

Having observed Jack and Ianto's lack of interaction with a barely hidden smirk of satisfaction, Grey climbed to his feet and tapped the side of his glass to gain everyone's attention. When he was sure that all eyes were fixed on him, he said, "Ianto and I have an announcement to make. We were going to wait until Ace and Jake had returned from their honeymoon to tell all of you, but the spirit of this weekend is such that I can't think of a better time to share our good news." Grey looked Jack straight in the eye as he said, "Ianto and I are getting married."

As everyone cheered and congratulated Grey, Jack could only stare in stunned hurt, while across the table from him, Ianto was looking completely confused. It didn't take an astute observer to see that this was the first time he'd heard about their pending nuptials.

'Wonderful!" Happiness filled Harold at his son's good news. Grey was ruthless businessman who would make a prime addition to Harold's political future.

"Wonderful!" Gwen slurred out having no clue as to what is going on. She drained her wine glass and held it out to Owen for her fourth refill.

"Grey, we need to talk about this." Ianto muttered through gritted teeth. In his lap, his hands were clenched so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms.

"Well, I'm thrilled! Isn't this wonderful, Owen?" Harold asked his faithful butler as he accepted a fresh daiquiri from the man.

Owen had to fight hard not to roll his eyes as he said in a very droll and insincere voice, "Oh, it's a marriage made in heaven and blessed by the angels. Okay, who wants a sherbet?"

Tosh suddenly shot to her feet, beaming from ear to ear. "John and I have announcement to make, too. I'm going to be Mrs Smith!"

Perched gingerly atop several soft pillows John nearly fell of his seat. "What?" He was totally bewildered, this was the first he ever heard of this. _'What the hell was in those pain killers Owen gave me?'_

Ianto seized the chance to leave the room as the guests began milling about, offering congratulations and martial advice to both Tosh and Grey. John pulled a clearly stricken Jack to the side. "Oh well, game over. Thanks for playing. Maybe they'll have parting gifts. I'll get my shirt and then we're getting the hell out of here."

"No," Jack took a deep breath. "You know what? I'm gonna find Ianto and just tell him the truth."

"The truth? Okay. That might be a good call. You're the exiled Prince of Arabia; you've rejected the throne…" John's scheming was cut off by Jack.

"John! The _actual _truth." Jack informed him.

"Huh…" John blinked at this. "Oh. Wow. Okay." Then frustration took over. "Fine. Do whatever you want. Just do it quick, all right?" That was all Jack needed to hear before he bolted out the door, rushing after Ianto. John just shook his head and headed for the kitchen. His ass was really, hurting again.

Smiling at the kitchen staff, John grabbed a towel and filled it with ice from the freezer. With a sigh of relief, he then placed the makeshift ice pack on his wounded ass. The cook stifled a laugh before taking her leave. "It's not funny!" John called after her petulantly before heading over to the table and carefully sitting down. And was his continuing luck of the weekend, of course his time alone was interrupted by the one person he didn't want to see.

"There you are!" Tosh bounced merrily into the kitchen.

"Oh, hey, Tosh." John greeted her in a defeated voice. Tosh opened up a magazine and shoves it in his face. "What's that?" He blinked trying to focus on the too-close images before him.

"It's a china pattern, silly. It's called Midnight Marrakesh." Tosh informed him with a giggle. "I think this will be our everyday china."

"Oh. That's really nice." John didn't know what else to say.

"Excellent! It's sexy _and_ you can eat off it. Just like me." She winked at John before taking her leave.

Father Rhys Williams was the next person to enter and sees John's dejected form slumped over the table. "Well, hello there," he greeted the newly minted fiancé cheerfully.

"Oh, hello, Father." John greeting back was total lack-lustre.

"Are you okay? You look troubled." Rhys poured himself a large brandy as he took a seat next to John. "Marriage is a big step. You sure you're ready?" The priest face was kind and his voice sincere.

John sighed deeply as he looked out the window at the garden; he was at the end of his rope. "I'd like to make a confession."

"All right, son. I can hear your confession."

"It's all confidential, right?" John asked worriedly.

"It's all confidential." Rhys reassured John and that seemed to break the dam as John began to tell Rhys everything, his words pouring out in a torrent.

* * *

><p>Grey was sitting in the living room with a few others talking about his plans for his upcoming wedding. When his cell phone rang a short time later, he was delighted to see that it was Vinnie and what he tells him makes Grey's day.<p>

* * *

><p>Jack managed to catch up to Ianto as he was walking along the beach. "C'mon Ianto, wait up." Jack called after the young man who was not halting his brisk pace. "So you're marrying this guy, huh?"<p>

That got Ianto to stop and he spun around to face Jack, an unreadable look on his face. "Is that what you want to know? Well, you heard it back at the house."

"Look, you can't marry him." Jack took a step closer to Ianto; he didn't hear the note of desperation in his voice.

"Why not?" There was something in Ianto's voice that let Jack know he still had a chance at claiming his heart.

"Because I'm falling in love with you," Jack blurted out the words and then winced; that wasn't what he wanted to tell Ianto, but it was done. He had no way of knowing that at the very same moment, John was spilling the truth to Rhys back at the house.

Jack waited anxiously for Ianto to say something, anything, but the young man was facing the ocean. "Why are you doing this to me, Jack?" Ianto finally asked softly.

"Because I… But… you… maybe feel the same way?" Jack's voice was just as soft, as if he were afraid that saying the words loudly would scare the answer away.

Ianto sighed, "Maybe." At last, he turned around faced Jack. "Look, I don't know anything about you. You do investments in Cardiff and…" Ianto was cut off by Jack.

"Well, see, that's the other thing." Jack knew that this was it, time to tell Ianto the truth. He felt his hear rate speed up and his mouth go dry as he struggled to find the right words, ones that would make him sound less the total piece of slime than he knew he was. He needed Ianto to understand that despite its rather unconventional start in life, their relationship would have a long and healthy life.

Sucking in a deep breath, Jack reached for Ianto's hand, taking it in his own and gently brushing his thumb over the other man's knuckles. "I have…" That was as far as he got with his confession. A gunshot rang out in the night, echoing into the distance, and both Jack and Ianto turned in the direction of the house.

"Dude! Run!" John's panic-stricken voice filled the night. Jack and Ianto look up to see John running at them full-tilt, being chased by Harold, Gwen, Andy, Grey and Sylvia, who was holding a large shotgun in her boney hands. She was preparing to fire another round of buckshot at John's back.

"You bastards! I'm gonna get you!" Harold roared into the air.

John caught up to Jack. "Get the fuck out of here! Run!" he shouted.

"What's going on?" Jack asked as his friend sped by.

Not halting for an instant John shouted over his shoulder, "I spilled! I'm sorry. The priest told me it was confidential!"

"I'm sorry! Really! But God doesn't pay the bills." Rhys was following the hunting party at a slightly slower pace, and to his credit, he did indeed sound sorry.

Ianto was terribly confused and that showed in his voice. "Spilled what?" He looked at Jack, hoping for he would say something that made sense.

"Oh fuck! Look, Ianto, I need to tell you something quickly." Jack started only he never got the chance to finish.

"They're lawyers, Ianto. Those aren't even their real names!" Grey shouted joyfully. He took an obscene amount of pleasure in telling his fiancé of Jack's charade; he couldn't have cared less about the hurt he was inflicting on Ianto. He was getting his revenge on Jack and in such a dramatic way that it was almost orgasmic and he couldn't be bothered to think about anything else. He knew he'd been feasting on such a sweet dish for a long time to come.

Jack could not stand the hurt and betrayal pouring from Ianto's eyes when he heard Grey's words. "It's not…" He was again interrupted by a shouting declaration.

"Jack felt my tits." Gwen threw out spitefully. Son or not, she hated the fact that Jack had wanted Ianto and not her.

The shattered look on Ianto's face completely broke Jack's heart. "Ianto, you don't understand!" Jack tried to plead with Ianto as the younger man turned away from him, Jack grabbed onto his arm to stop him from leaving.

"No, no, no! You son of a bitch!" Ianto was beyond upset by this point and he angrily wrenched his arm free.

Jack could see the blood-seeking family was almost upon him. More importantly he knew nothing he could say at that moment would penetrate the wall of hurt, angry silence that Ianto had erected. "I'll explain later," he promised before running off into the dark after John.

"God damn it, get him, mummy!" Harold cheered his mother on as she fired another round. Unfortunately, since there was no answering scream of pain, he knew she'd missed again.

Reaching the spot where Ianto stood, rooted to the ground Grey delivered the final blow. "They crash weddings in order to get laid," he proclaimed gleefully. The little voice in the back of his head actually congratulated the two men on their ingenuity; it was a brilliant plan, one worthy of Grey himself.

"John was going to be my lover!" Andy shouted hysterically into the dark. "You're not keeping my painting!"

"I forgive you, John! Come back!" Tosh shouted, rushing down the beach a few steps to stare after the fleeing men. Sylvia was still in the throes of an adrenalin rush and had just reloaded the shotgun. Fortunately for both her and Tosh, Harold was able to yank the barrel of the gun upwards and prevents his mother from shooting his weeping daughter in the back.

Jack and John continued to race down the beach, fear pushing them forward as everyone but Ianto and Tosh resumed their chase after them. Ianto wrapped his arm protectively around Tosh's shoulders as the two of them stood broken-hearted on the beach.

Jack and John reached the ferry and managed to get onboard just as it was leaving. In frustration, Jack kicked at a bench before taking a seat on it and trying unsuccessfully to fight back the tears that had been threatening to fall from the moment he'd turned and run away from Ianto.

The weeks that followed found three heart broken people trying to deal with their pain and betrayal in their own ways.

Jack spent hours writing and rewriting mails a letter to Ianto, pouring out his heart to the young man. The day he dropped the envelope into the mailbox, he sent it along with a heartfelt prayer that Ianto would be able to forgive him.

The day Owen delivered the letter to him, Ianto felt a smile cross his face for the first time in ages, but the longer he looked at the envelope, the more the smile faded away. The memories of the happy afternoon he and Jack had spent at the tide pools and the lingering sensations of the kiss they had shared were completely overshadowed by the sense of betrayal he still felt.

It broke yet another piece of Ianto's already shattered heart to send the letter back to Jack, unopened. He tried to get in the wedding spirit as Grey showed him ideas for the wedding that Grey wanted and the honeymoon that Grey wanted to take, but all he could think about was Jack.

Tosh wrote several letters to John, hoping he would read at least one. It broke her heart and brought many a tear to her eye as each letter was returned unopened.

TBC…


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 12**

_**Three weeks later**_

John's head shot up as Jack came bouncing into his office with a paper in his hands. "John, I know how I can get to him." Jack declared.

John shook his head sadly. "Give it up, Jack He returned all your letters; he won't take your phone calls. He doesn't _want_ to see you, all right?" He pointed out the facts to his best friend.

"He doesn't _think _he wants to see me. But trust me, he _wants_ to see me. He just doesn't _know _he wants to see me." Jack's reasoning made John's head hurt.

"O-kay." John figured it would be best to play along and find out what foolishness Jack had planned so he could save him from it later.

"They're having an engagement party for Ianto tomorrow night at the beach club. We're gonna be there." Jack told John, excitement lacing his voice.

John heard one part of the plan he really did not agree with. "_We're? _No." John was not having anything more to do with the Saxon family. "No, absolutely not! Have you lost your fucking mind?" He reached back and massaged his ass; he could still feel the pain of being shot.

"It'll be okay, I promise." Jack tried to reassure him.

"Look, Jack, his father is the bloody Minister of Defence. UNIT are gonna be everywhere. They'll probably have posters with our pictures on them and orders to shoot to kill! There's no way we can get in there." John pointed out the flaws in Jack plan.

"Oh yes we can." Jack had a gleam in his eyes that John hated.

_**The next day**_

Jack and John were standing at the rear of the restaurant at the beach club. "How'd you find out about this?" John asked his friend.

Jack merely smiled and gave a coded knock on the door. John's eyes widened in surprise when Owen opened the door with a scowl. "Finally! Okay, I've got your uniforms." John just stared at the Saxon butler in disbelief while Owen glared back at him. "What are you staring at?" Owen bristled. "Grey's a tool."

It didn't take long for Jack and John to dressed as waiters. Jack was making the coffee while John stood close by, still glaring at his friend. Alonso, the dining room captain, walked into the kitchen and spotted them. "Table five needs their soup," he told John.

"So? They're not my table. I haven't even started yet." John didn't see how this was his problem.

Alonso started turning red from the shock of John's insolence; it took a moment for him to regain his composure. "Okay. Who am I?"

John shot Jack a strong look that promised dire retribution before answering Alonso in a more subdued tone. "You're the captain."

Alonso nodded his head. "Which makes me?" he prompted.

John gave an exasperated sigh. "Always right."

"That's right, sweet-cheeks. Now get table five their soups." Alonso ordered, satisfied that his dominance had once again been exerted.

"Yes, captain." John said through gritted teeth as he loaded two bowls of soup onto a tray and exited.

Alonso turned his attention to Jack. "And you? Are we working or are we just, oh, I don't know, soaking in the atmosphere?"

"Yes, Captain. I'm making coffee. That's my assignment, sir." Jack hastened to tell him.

"I like your attitude. Let's talk later." Alonso winked suggestively at Jack and ran an appreciative eye over his backside before he returned to the banquet room.

John had reached the end of his rope as he dealt with the elderly couple at table five. "Fine, _sir._ I'll get you the chowder instead." John spoke in a very forced pleasant voice.

"The Boston chowder!" the elder man informs John.

"I know." John _should_ know, the man had said the same thing over and over again in the few minutes since he placed the bowls on their table.

"The white one, not the red one," the man continued on.

"I said I _know_." John snapped and set the bowls back on the tray and returned to the kitchen before he dumped the soup over the old fart's head. Jack watched with a smile as his friend replaced the bowls of soup with fresh bowls of chowder, and one his way out, John gave him a one finger salute. Jack shook his head and followed John to the door so he could get a peek. A tiny frisson of fear coursed through Jack's belly and he nearly cursed aloud at the sight of all the UNIT members there.

John was ready to commit murder as he was forced to deal with the couple at table five again. "You put ice in my water!" the woman cried.

"It's _ice_ water. That's part of the deal." John points out to her. "Don't worry, the cubes are all free."

"But I don't _want_ ice." The woman's whiney voice grated on John's last nerve. "I don't know why you would put ice in my water."

"Because I'm not psychic?" When the woman scowled at him, baring yellow-stained teeth, John went for broke. "Okay, you don't want ice?" John picked up her glass and took the ice out with his fingers. "There. No ice!" He slammed the glass back down on the table, followed by all three of the ice cubes had removed.

"I'm talking to the manager!" The woman was outraged and turned to her husband for support. Unfortunately for her, he was too busy enjoying his white Boston clam chowder to pay her any attention to her drama.

John didn't really care what she did as he stomped off in search of Jack. The sooner he talked to Ianto, the sooner they could get out of this place. "Hurry up and talk to your eye-candy. I can only take about five minutes more of this shit." John demanded when he found the man still peeking out through the door.

Jack scowls at the nickname for Ianto. "I've got to wait until he's alone."

"It's an engagement party! Why would he be alone?" John asked; he was really beginning to wonder about his friend's state of mind.

"He's got to go to the bathroom sometime." Jack stated.

Any reply John might have given Jack was cut off when Alonso entered. "Vera, may I have a word with you?"

Jack nudged John, reminding his friend that was the name he was going by and John sighed as he walked over to Alonso, who informed him that he must apologize to the couple at table five.

At that moment, Jack managed to catch a glimpse of Ianto and he was beautiful. Jack's breath caught in his throat as he took in the sight of the man he loved. He noted with a frown that for someone celebrating his engagement, Ianto didn't look overly thrilled to be there.

Having followed Alonso back to table five, John gave a cursory bow. "I'm deeply sorry for my offensive words and terrible attitude." John lied right through his gritted teeth.

Jack continued peeking out the door and to his luck Ianto, without Grey, was heading towards the bathroom. Knowing that it might be his only opportunity to catch Ianto alone, Jack was just about to go after him when Alonso entered the room again. He started ranting to him about not drizzling something right and ruined Jack's chances to speak to Ianto alone. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw Grey arrive at the restroom door to escort Ianto back to their guests. Jack was barely able to suppress his groan of defeat that rose in his throat.

John, having apologised to Alonso's satisfaction, was once again dealing with table five. "I need a soup spoon." The elder man complained, although his bowl was almost completely empty.

John could not believe the old man; he could see the soup spoon right there on the table, it even had traces of chowder on it. Realising that the man was messing with him now because he could, John finally had enough and he let his angry and pride take over. "What's this?" He pointed to the spoon lying not two inches from the man's hand.

"That is _not_ a soup spoon." The elder man acted as if he was talking to an idiot.

"Well it's not a coke spoon!" John snarled back as he held up the various spoons from the table. "See? Teaspoon, tablespoon, soup spoon!"

"Now you've touched it! I need another!" The elder man yelled in shock. "A clean one!"

"Get it yourself, you decrepit old-money cocksucker!" John finally blew up and the whole restaurant gasped and on the other side of the room, a waiter dropped his tray with a loud crash. John didn't care as he continued yelling. "Does anyone else need anything? Because I'm gonna take my break," he declared for everyone in the room to hear. As he turned to make his way back to the kitchen he was delayed by UNIT members rushing in to see what the problem was. They were followed quickly by Harold Saxon, Grey and Ianto, and they easily recognized John.

Tosh chose that moment to join the group and the moment her eyes landed on John she made as beeline for the man only to be stopped by her father, who pushed her into Ianto's arms. "Take care of Tosh." Harold ordered Ianto who was torn and he hesitated. If John was at the club, and dressed as a waiter of all things, then chances were that Jack was there also. "Do it, sweetheart. Please!" Ianto reluctantly nodded and escorted Tosh back into their private room.

John rushed into the kitchen. "Okay. We're gonna want to run, now!" He announced even as he looked for the exit.

Before he had a chance to react, Grey ran into the kitchen followed by several members of UNIT. Jack groaned, "Oh, not again!"

"These are the guys I warned you about." Grey informed the plain-clothes UNIT men who immediately grab John and Jack and prepared to drag them away. "No! Let me handle this!" Jack and John do not like the rather maniacal gleam in Grey's eyes.

_**In the parking lot **_

Grey's friend, Vinnie, held Jack's arms pinned behind his back while Grey pummels him brutally, and another man forces John to kneel, making him unable to help Jack. Harold Saxon watched the proceedings with an unreadable look on his face.

"If I ever see either of you near my children again, I will have you arrested! I have that sort of power and I won't hesitate to use it." Harold warned them coldly before stalking off.

"One more, Grey, and then we have to finish up dinner." Vinnie encouraged his friend. Grey slammed Jack in the gut with all his strength, and when Vinnie let him fall to the ground, writhing in pain, Grey spat on him before he and Vinnie followed Harold back into the restaurant. Jack and John are left in the shadows of the parking lot, battered and bruised.

Jack was finally able to sit himself up and he rubbed his jaw tenderly before spitting out blood. Jack looked up at John in disgust, as John dusts himself off. John looked as though he'd been merely roughed up a bit, where as Jack could feel knots and bruises forming all over his torso. Grey had definitely not held back his punches. "Nice job." He muttered to the man he had always viewed as his friend. Now, bitter anger laced his voice and he had to fight the urge to punch John himself.

Knowing that their present condition was really his fault, John chose to hide his guilt with sarcasm. "Oh? You didn't care for my performance as a waiter? Well then, don't go to the fucking sequel! All right?" John winced as he watched Jack clamber slowly and painfully to his feet and take off his torn waiter's jacket. He did the same, taking Jack's from him and tossing them both under a nearby car. "Dude, look, he's just not worth it." John tried to placate his friend.

Jack stared at him in disbelief for a moment before shaking his head. "You know what you said about Lucia Moretti? Do you remember?"

"What?" John had no idea where Jack was going with his trip down memory lane.

"Lucia Moretti? Your Junior Prom date?" Jack remind him.

"I know the story! I've to remind _you _of the story!" John quickly pointed out.

"Lucia Moretti was cheating on you with every guy in high school! You were in love with her! She broke your heart!" Jack yelled loudly, warming to his topic.

"Are you fucking high? That was fifteen years ago!" John refused to admit that Jack was right. Even a decade and a half later, the memory of Lucia's betrayal still burned.

"Lucia Moretti was your first love and she broke your heart! And because you had to _be_ the man, because we all have to _be the fucking_ _man,_ all you had to say about it was 'she's just not worth it.' Remember? That was all you ever said, even though I knew better!" Jack ignored the pain in his gut as he continued to shout at John.

"Okay, I think you have a concussion." John tried to quiet him down.

"Problem was you couldn't move on from Lucia. And since then, none of them have been worth it! Right, John?"

"You're an asshole." John held back from wanting to punch Jack.

"And now, because of that, because you got your heart broken, we all have to pay the price!" Jack roared at him.

"What price is that, Jack?" John truly wanted to know.

"Not growing up! Okay? Pissing away our fucking lives living by some idiotic dumb-ass _rules_! Not growing up, Jo..." Jack was cut off by John, who was tired of all the blame being placed on him.

"You could've opted out anytime, my friend! Nobody held a gun to your head! This life, crashing weddings, picking up men and women, this life fits you perfectly. And you know why? Because you're a chronic lair." John snarled, getting right up into Jack's face.

"Fuck you." Jack hissed dangerously, fist clenched at his sides.

"See, crashing weddings, pretending to be someone you're not in order to get laid. You don't do that in _spite_ of who you are. You do that _because_ of who you are!" John spoke passionately. "Don't get me wrong. It's a compliment. You're a genius at bullshit. That's why you're so good in the court room. And that is why you're so good at crashing weddings. It's. Who. You. Are."

Jack shook his head sadly. He was exhausted and in pain, and there was nothing left for him inside. "I'm outta here." Jack started to walk away but something made him stop and without turning around, he asked, "All those weddings we went to over the years. Didn't you ever once look at how happy the newlyweds were and wonder what that would be like?"

"No." John answered.

"I feel sorry for you." Jack started to walk away again only for John to grab his arm.

"At least I know who I am, motherfucker! _You_? Hell, you can talk about love until you're blue in the face. But in the end, you still have to wake up as _Jack,_" John reminded his friend.

Jack clenched his fist again and was about to belt him, but instead, he took a deep breath and backed off. "You know what? _You're _not worth it." Jack turned away from his friend of nearly twenty years and disappeared into the night.

TBC…


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Chapter 13**

_**Two months later **_

Two months had passed since Jack and John had last spoken, and the tension between them and the effect it had on the office staff had gotten so bad that Jack had taken a job offer in Swansea. It was his last day in London, and Jack was wearing a fake smile at the party his office friends were throwing him, all the while noticing that John was nowhere to be seen. Despite their estrangement, that made Jack feel even sadder about leaving.

Alone in his office, John can hear the sounds of the party drifting down the hall. Part of him really wanted to join in the festivities, to wish Jack the best at his new position; instead he did nothing but take another sip of his drink.

A few days later Jack is in his office, in the middle of packing up his belongings when John bursts in. "Okay, don't say anything! Not a word. Let me just say this. What you said outside the beach club, it was true, well about thirty percent of it, anyway." At Jack's look, John sighs. "Okay, it was all true. I haven't grown up and I'm covering for some pain and I don't know. Look, I'm sorry I fucked up the Ianto thing for you."

"You didn't fuck up anything." Jack told his friend and John smiled at him. "Well, I mean you _did_, but it wasn't your fault. How could I ever expect to woo the person of my dreams by crashing a wedding? It was ridiculous," Jack admitted.

"Well, we did have fun at all of them." John grinned.

"No doubt, my friend." Jack agreed and he pulled John into a hug. As they pull away Jack continued. "I just need to make a new start. Preferably in a place where I'm not under a restraining order." He tried to smile but failed miserably.

"Yeah, I get that. It's just I was thinking we should go out one more time before you leave," John suggested.

Jack shrugged; he couldn't see anything wrong with that. "Yeah, that'd be great. What do you want to do?"

"Well, there's this wedding…" John's voice trailed off when he saw the look on Jack's face.

"John…" Jack groans out.

"Come on. For old times' sake." John pouted at his friend.

"No way. I'm done with that." Jack tried to stay strong despite the look his friend was giving him.

"This'll be the last one, I swear! A send-off. Do it for me. Fifteen years of friendship." When Jack sighed and rolled his eyes, John knew had he won.

_**A few hours later **_

After they entered the church Jack stopped John. "You do know this is the _last_ time I'm doing this, right?" He reminded John firmly.

"Absolutely," John agreed.

Jack eyed his friend suspiciously before turning to the altar and he was surprised to see the wedding was already in progress. His heart skipped a beat, in fact, it skipped several beats, when he realized that it was Ianto's wedding they had just crashed. He turned to John in disbelief, ready to ask what they were doing here, of all places. When John just smiled at him and nodded towards Ianto, Jack knew the answer to his unasked question.

"I don't think I can do this," Jack admitted softly.

"Sure you can. He's the man of your dreams." John encouraged his friend.

"Oh man," Jack mumbled, and he could feel a sweat break out on his chest.

"It's your big moment. Dazzle the jury." John gave Jack a little push forward.

"Thanks." Jack smiled at his friend.

"You'll want to hurry up. I think they're getting pretty close to the 'I do' part. Which would be bad." That got Jack moving.

Jack walked towards the altar and cleared his throat loudly and all eyes turned to him. "Excuse me."

"Oh, for the love of God!" Harold could not believe this is happening on his son big day.

"Security!" Grey calls out and UNIT members approach Jack.

"Just let me speak my mind and I'll leave you all alone forever." Jack pleaded his case to Harold, who thought it over for a moment before nodding to his men to back off. Jack smiled and faced Ianto. "Ianto, it's true, I met you because I crashed your sister wedding."

He turns to the guests. "That's right, I crash weddings. Or at least I used to." He noticed a couple sitting a few pews back and he pointed to them. "In fact, I crashed _your_ wedding about a year ago. Very nice, by the way. How's it going for you by the way?" He asked the couple and got a 'pretty good' from them and from John at the back of the church, he got cleared throat telling him to get on with it.

"And, yes, it's true that I'm a lawyer. But my heart is not in my law practice. I mean, I've tried to do good. Well, that hasn't always been true and, well, I've lied a lot." People started shifting in their seats, and John cleared his throat again. "All right, all right! My point is, I've changed. I guess I've grown up and I don't know why it took me so long but, well, maybe it's because I didn't see anything worth growing up _for,_ and now maybe I do and look, I don't know… I'm sorry. I'm usually pretty articulate but… I guess it's a lot harder when you're not bullshitting." Jack turns to Rhys at this point. "Sorry, father."

"Yes, I was a liar. I was a liar because I was scared. But you know what, Ianto? You're scared too. You're scared to tell the truth to Grey. You're not in love with that bozo." Jack started moving towards Ianto.

With a crimson face Grey moved to intercept Jack. "Okay, I have had _enough!_" He didn't get very far when Ianto grabbed his arm and held him place, all the while never taking his eyes off of Jack.

"In fact, I think you might be a little in love with me. I know I'm in love with you. In fact, I love every single thing about you, except you're at the altar marrying another man. But Ianto, I've made a change in my life because of you and maybe you'd like to make a change because of me." Jack finished speaking and in front of Ianto, holding out his slightly trembling hand.

Ianto looked between Jack and Grey before briefly settling his gaze on Grey. "I'm sorry, Grey." Ianto stepped away from him and closed the small gap between him and Jack.

Grey turned to Saxon with a look that screamed 'help me,' and Harold climbed to his feet. "Ianto," he said sternly. Ianto turned to face his father. "I'm sure you and Jack will be very happy. At least, try to be, okay?" and he smiled happily at his son.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Grey shouted in rage. He didn't know who he wanted to hit more, Jack, Ianto, or Harold.

"Grey, you're a tool. In fact, you come from a long line of tools. I suppose you're just maintaining the tool traditions of your family but not with my son." Harold growled at the other man. "Not anymore."

Grey didn't like hearing the truth about himself, not one bit, and he glared at Saxon with impotent rage. Someone was going to pay dearly for getting between Grey and what he wanted. Before anyone at the altar could react, Grey suddenly bolted towards Jack; he was filled with the single-minded intention of once again inflicting some serious damage on the man he decided was responsible for today's debacle. He wasn't able to get within inches of Jack's throat before, as luck would have it, John tackled him to the floor.

John had been content to stand in the back of the church and bask in the glory that was a successful plan. He'd only been paying half a mind to the conversation at the altar; the other half he used to scope out the wedding guests, looking for a potential mark. Not everyone in there knew that his cover had been blown, and besides, maybe one of the female guests went for that sort of thing. He was just narrowing his choices down when the sounds of angry, raised voices interrupted his shopping.

Glancing up towards the altar, John recognised the look on Grey's face; he's seen it twice before and both times, he'd ended up flat on his ass and in some serious pain. Without a second thought, John rushed up the center aisle and tackled Grey, sending him to the floor with a resounding thud. Climbing to his feet, John grinned down at the fallen and grinned broadly. "Oh, _sorry_ dude! I don't know _what_ got into me. I'm seeing a _Buddhist _about it."

Ianto turned to Jack with a huge grin on his own face, and in hand-and-hand they began to run from the church with Jack calling over his shoulder, "Thanks, buddy!"

John was still grinning wildly. "My pleasure!"

Tosh noticed John for the first time and she ran to him with a happy cry of "John!" Fighting his first instinct to flee, John rolled his eyes and stood his ground as she flung her arms around his neck. He allowed her to hug him for a second before breaking free and holding her at arms-length.

Andy, deciding 'what the hell' went for broke as he reached out and pulled an unsuspecting Owen into a deep kiss that left them both weak in the knees.

As total chaos reigned supreme inside the church, Jack and Ianto paused at the bottom of the steps to share their second kiss. Out on the kerb, the waiting drivers watched with interest and a few even placed a few wagers on how long the kiss would last.

"Where to?" Jack asked after the desperate need for oxygen forced him and Ianto to break their kiss.

"I'm starving!" Ianto answered back with a wonder-filled smiled. He resisted the urge to pinch himself, just in case his being rescued by a knight in shining armour was just a dream. "Think we could crash my reception?" Jack threw back his head and roared with laughter before pulling Ianto in for another soul-searing kiss.

John, who was being chased by Tosh, came rushing past. "Fujimora wedding! Three p.m." He called over his shoulder as he continued to run from Tosh, although Jack noted that he wasn't running as fast as he could and that Tosh was certainly well within earshot of his shouted destination.

Jack and Ianto shook their heads in unison just as a late-arriving guest handed Ianto their gift. Ianto hefted the package in his hand before smiling and saying to Jack, "Placing setting."

Jack's smile back at Ianto spoke volumes. "Oh yeah," he agreed as he watched Ianto hand the gift back to the guest. The instant Ianto's hands were empty, Jack claimed the Welshman's lips in a quick kiss before they rushed off after John and Tosh.

TBC…


	14. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Torchwood or the movie Wedding Crashers.

**Epilogue **

_**One year later **_

Standing at the altar, dressed in their best tuxes, John noted the look of nervousness and happiness on Jack's face.

"Dude, you ready for this?" John whispered to his friend.

"Yeah, yeah, of course." Jack's voice held a timbre of nervousness to it, although his eyes were clear and resolute.

"Because you seem a little nervous," John pointed out.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I've just never been a Best Man before." Jack informed his friend as they watched Harold Saxon walk his daughter, Tosh, solemnly up the aisle.

"Dude, you're gonna be the _groom_ next month," John reminded him.

Hearing those words, Jack's gaze drifted to Ianto, who was once again in the role of the bride's best man. Jack smile fondly at his Welshman and his heart skipped a beat when Ianto smiled back at him. "Oh, _that_ I can deal with," Jack informed his beast friend with absolute conviction. "Watching _you_ do this, different story."

John laughed as his beautiful bride drew closer. "You know, we're going to be brothers-in-law."

"I know." Jack would never in his life have thought that such a thing would happen, and he was still grateful to John for him tricking him into crashing Ianto's wedding in the first place.

"Well, you know, the rules for brothers-in-law are different. When Archie got married, he said…" John was cut off by Jack.

"Wait! What do you mean _Archie_ got married? You never told me he got _married!_" Jack could not believe his best friend hadn't told him that bit of news.

"Oh yeah, well, he tied the knot last year." John confessed sheepishly.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me this." Jack pouted, his lower lips stuck out.

"I guess I forgot." John shrugged his shoulders.

"Bullshit." Jack was not happy.

"Boys! Enough!" Ianto's voice cut in with sharp affection.

"We'll talk about this later," Jack whispered as Tosh reached the altar.

Harold folded back her veil and gave Tosh a kiss on the cheek before shaking John's hand and stepping back to join Gwen, Sylvia, Andy and Owen in the front pew. John finally got his first look at his future wife, resplendent in her wedding finery, and he beamed at her as Jack patted him on the back.

"Dude, row seven, five and six seats in," John whispered to his friend.

Jack let his gaze flicker to the guests John told him about and he wasn't at all surprised to see the very familiar sight of two men dabbing their eyes. "Crashers," Jack whispered back with a knowing smile.

"Oh yeah," John agreed before focusing on Tosh.

Jack let his gaze meet Ianto's again and as the ceremony started, Jack knew that he and John had at last found true happiness. He leaned over to Ianto. "Meet you in the broom closet after the ceremony." He leered at his future husband and then winked.

Ianto sent Jack a coy look that got his blood boiling. "Five minutes and no later."

John shook his head at the 'I'm gonna get some' look on Jack's face before turning back to look into Tosh's eyes and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered but the woman before him.

The End


End file.
